Through the World Barefooted -- Gerda's LBS Guide

[HaWho]

Gerda - it's coincidental that you be bringing this up right now as I was just asking my sisters this same question days ago. For the first time, I recently saw my ex with his wife (he married the ow). And as I watched him, the shock came over me that he did exactly what his father did (married his OW) which was what my ex vowed he never would repeat. Both he and his father even had an OW/wife with the same exact name that is not all that common! Quite Oedipus-like that he fulfilled the same destiny that he vowed he deplored.

My ex ignores me and cannot look me in the eye ever. On the rare times we cross paths he looks down at the ground while I look right at him.

Anyway, 5 1/2 years out from bomb drop, here is my lay of the land regarding your question. I do think the seeds were always there. He had a traumatic childhood, some of which he revealed and some of which he hid. He once told me his mother never loved him and I outright dismissed that believing that was not possible. Now, in hindsight I realize he was right, she does not really love him unconditionally and I was projecting by saying that was not possible. When I first told my MIL her son was having some sort of breakdown/MLC, without so much as hesitating she told me to leave him and said he had always been an angry person. She never once came to visit him since he moved away. She lived with her other son, part - time for a few years as she helped raise his son. She adored her first son and disregarded her second (my ex). The seeds were sown early.

I believe there were signs of emotional stunting from the get go. He was unsettled in himself, always had tremendous issues with aging and a fear of death. I do believe with time, things worsened for him on a psychological level. He became controlling, obsessed with things, paranoid and a full time conspiracy theorist. We could not even sleep with the upstairs windows open as he was convinced it was not safe. Just now, 2 1/2 years after he has moved out, my kids are comfortable living with windows in the house open and even the front door! Sad aside: the first night my son slept with the windows open here, the next morning he asked me what that funny noise was all night long. And I asked to describe it. It was crickets!

But, he lied and hid a lot of the trauma. In the height of his MLC, he divulged some of it. I would not be surprised if there is not much more. I fully expect it.

So, when I asked my sisters this same question, they both gave variations of this same answer. They said there was always something off there. One sister said they gave him the benefit of the doubt because they loved me. The other gave me what I call the "ice bucket over the head" answer. She said he was always lying about who he was but that none of it matters and does not change the present. She told me to limit the ruminating and count myself fortunate as I was still young and free of it all. I know that you know this. But I think our minds need to compartmentalize and order things to process and move on.

A side tangent story. One of my friend's mothers used to have Father Geoghan over a few times/month for dinner. This was one of the more notorious priests convicted of pedophilia. When she first learned of it she publicly defended him all the time. She did this for quite some time until it became all too clear that he was guilty. And then when she realized who he really was, it took her years to process. She ping ponged between anger that she let this person in her home, embarrassment that he tricked her, guilt that she housed him, etc. The point is she went through this whole same process of trying to understand how she missed the markers. In the end he was an abuser and she was just a trusting person. She didn't do anything wrong. (He never abused anyone in her family thank goodness.)

So, I think it's normal to try to make sense of it. While it does not change a darn thing, it's easy to go there. So long as we don't turn into Penelope weaving all day and unraveling all night, we will move forward.

People like this are strategic. They pick their partners. I believe they pick people who have a lot of bandwidth for dealing with difficult people (like them) and pick people who take their commitments seriously (so they will put up with their nonsense). I see that pattern here ALL.THE.TIME. Just my 2 cents.

The last thing I will say if that this was probably always going to happen. There was nothing that could stop it or alter its course. But, the gift of getting free of it is not just for ourselves. If we have kids, it gives us the chance to show a normal home whatever time our kids are with us. If we were with our spouses our kids would see dysfunction 100% of the time. There is tremendous power in this. And trust me, the kids see the contrast soon. Last summer my older son told me that my ex had a lot of issues and we had a very candid conversation where he recognized the stunting that happened to his dad. It is quite a contrast to my kids' childhoods.

Now these kids have some time to live with the windows and doors open.