KC & May - thank you. May, I actually had read your update right after finishing this, and felt better about typing this up, because I definitely do have some stuff to say (IDK if it is helpful enough to be called advice). I definitely agree w/ your assessment of how helpful it can be to have a variety of opinions, esp from people who have been through similar situations. I thought I would have updated this sooner due to needing more support, frankly, but I have been able to grow with H and through IC and MC and working on my own stuff still. "Forced" constant quality time has also greatly helped.
I remember a long time ago having a convo w H about how I don't think cheating is the most devastating betrayal - I think lying is. And that yeah, lying is involved, but it just depends on the situation/details. I don't think he actually remembers this convo, though. I do take some comfort in knowing that he is committed, and that he wasn't really actively committed to our marriage at the time that this was going on - and that he still missed me, loved me, etc. And honestly, I think he realized how much he missed me in part due to what he did while we were separated. And I've been married before, and been through something similar that he was going through, but I knew I was done by that time, and had kicked my XH out. I've worked with my IC to see the growth and strength that can come from us working through this, effectively.
The lying is what I have had the hardest times with. There's definitely been some trickle truth that was in the beginning, but is out now, and something he explored in IC as to why he felt that way. We are both still learning to get through this and also making lasting changes, and so far it is encouraging, even though I am still working through my hurt. It's been almost 3 months since I have known, and we have both come a long way. Honestly, had I not seen him break through this whole victim mentality on his own, IDK if I would have stayed?
KC I def agree that progress isn't always linear. H and I had a disagreement this morning, and have had them along the way, but we are realizing what's happening in the moment and able to correct and then productively talk about what happened and strategize on how to communicate better going forward.
It's been refreshing to see him really take time and think about his actions, his motivations, and tell me them in ways that aren't dismissive of my feelings, or obscuring how he felt at the time, or making excuses. My H is significantly younger than I am - and I have always believed that generally people can make great strides in growing up before they hit 30, and if they haven't by 30, they probably won't LOL. So I am glad to see he is in that late 20s stretch of making painful mistakes but growing from them instead of baking them into their personality.
