I don't think it was backbone and I'm definitely not detached in any way. In fact, detaching is my biggest weakness. The situation simply called for immediate and decisive action. I wanted to save my marriage, to keep my family intact, and to stay in my own home. My best chance at doing that was for her to decide to end her affair and making that decision before any further bonding took place. I have no doubt that forcing her to choose at that moment was the highest percentage chance of making those things happen. When your spouse is having an affair, your relationship with your spouse is going downhill and your emotional connection is rapidly disappearing. Your only hope of getting them back is for them to chose you over the OM or OW and you want them to make that choice as soon as possible before the OM or OW gets a hold of them. When you think about it that way, there's no downside to an ultimatum and I bet there are a whole lot of ultimatums made. After all, like me, there are many people who naturally turn to such tactics in times of crisis.
The only difficulty comes in following through on the ultimatum if they chose the other person. But you simply cannot back down and preserve your dignity. That's why, I held firm. Also, I figure forcing her to move in with OM before she's ready is to move out is much better than holding on until she is ready to move out. For most of us, we have absolutely nothing to more to lose.
In doing what I did, I avoided a lot of the pain other people are going through. She didn't tell me she wanted a divorce. She didn't tell me that the affair was all my fault. She didn't tell me I was a terrible husband. She apologized to me. She told me what a great husband I had been and thanked me for treating her so well. After she decided that she couldn't let go of the OM and needed to see where that led, I stopped asking her about "us" and told her to discuss OM or "us" with me. We both know it will only hurt my feelings.
As for DB'ing, the strategy is pretty easy to implement when your spouse has started living with the OM and pulled away. I don't have anything to do other than nothing.
