a new normal

[may22]

Thanks, WF, Pommy, Wooba... you guys are the best.

So, of course, I couldn't help myself and poked the bear. Actually after I wrote this last post about not needing to think or talk about the A, I basically couldn't stop thinking about it and why we weren't talking about it. It still doesn't feel as painful to think about-- every once in awhile I get that stomach-turning feeling and then back off, but it is like a small fraction of the times it comes up for me-- but it is like picking at a scab and I just can't help it. What is wrong with me?

I asked him one night if he thought we'd just never talk about it since we are unlikely to be able to see our MC together alone for the entire summer at this point, since our school is doing virtual summer camp. He said he had been thinking about it too and didn't know the answer, but repeated that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to have these painful conversations when we're stuck on lockdown.

I let it go but then ruminated on that for a few days, picked a couple of fights, told him I felt like he wanted to sweep everything under the rug and wasn't taking any responsibility for his cheating and lying. I finally riled him up yesterday morning to the point where he brought up the SSM again (I had emotionally starved him for years) and while what he did was worse than what I did, at least he had a reason (the SSM) whereas I was flailing around looking for excuses for my behavior.

I'm at such a crossroads on this particular point. I feel like I've taken responsibility for my part of the SSM and spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out why I did it so that it won't happen again. I've committed for MYSELF that it won't happen again, and FWIW it has been more than a year since I have been actively committed to exploring this. I don't understand how in his head the factors that led to a SSM for me (motherhood, etc) are "excuses" and evidence of me avoiding responsibility, while for him the SSM is a "reason" he did what he did. He very clearly can't see the parallels. And while he's still stuck in this place, does talking even help, at least on our own without an MC?

The other thing he said in the fight was that he was so confused about why I was still so angry, I "got what I wanted." I blew up and said if he thought I wanted this sad sack who won't take responsibility for anything, he was wrong. Then I stormed out.

I spent most of the day quiet and working in the basement. To give him credit, he did a number of things to try to repair all day long that i basically rebuffed until the very last one-- he came to give me a hug, he said he was sorry, he made me lunch, he wrote me a note, he took care of the kids and cleaned up the whole kitchen, he helped me work on a financial/business plan (which is when I finally relented, as even though I was being a total b**ch about it he kept being calm and nice and supportive).

Also, I totally know I was in the wrong in picking this fight with him. I don't know why I couldn't control myself and get back to that zen "it will happen when it happens" place.

He also spoke to his IC in the middle of the day yesterday, and after the kids went to bed he told me we can talk about the A. That he had been thinking about it and talked to his IC about it, and while he was worried that I'd get into a really bad place if we had these difficult conversations, we can't put them off forever, the quarantine wasn't going anywhere, and I was pretty upset anyway so it wasn't like avoiding it was helping. He wasn't sure why now I was suddenly upset again (I said it had been brewing in me this whole time and I was just letting him see it).

I asked him about the "you got what you want" comment and said it really bothered me, that it implied he didn't get what he wanted. He said he didn't mean to imply that, it was complicated for him, but his main feeling was that words are words and actions should mean more and he felt that I wasn't appreciating his actions, he's here, trying to be the best dad and husband he can be. (He also said he was trying to explain how I felt to his IC, who was like, "I don't understand... you're THERE." I swear, sometimes I really question his IC.)

I said I felt like words were important too, understanding intentionality, what we're working on or building towards. And that the infection from the A and the disgust I feel about the AP and that she's slimed everything she touched is still there, and needs to be cleaned out. (Another change-- when I had previously spoken in a way that was denigrating towards AP, back around when he ended the A and a little after, he would get upset with me, like don't do that. He didn't say anything, just let me say what I said.)

UGH, I know none of this is DBing. (And as I type this out, a lot of my past DB failings are becoming clear too. If he only knew how much I held in!) I don't really know what I should be doing at this point. I spent the day deciding I needed to re-detach, focus on me, etc. etc. Now that he's opened the door to talking about the A-- which is what I wanted-- I'm kind of dreading it. Does anyone have any advice for me?

I told him last night there are some things that I simply never want to hear about again, ever, like how he felt or feels about her. That is damaging to me and I don't want to hear it. He nodded (again a change, since before he absolutely refused to talk about the A without emphasizing how he felt about her, I think because he had some thing in his head about it wasn't so bad because it was love-- in fact he said to me at one point wasn't it better that he only cheated because he was so emotionally attached rather than just for the sake of it?)

I said there were things I wanted to talk about and thing he probably wanted to talk about, and also things maybe neither of us were ready to talk about, and that was OK. We don't even necessarily have to talk about the A, we can talk about other things that could help us build our R up now. He said OK, he liked that. I also said there were things that we would need to talk about that probably would be really difficult and hard to hear, like I still have never heard exactly what happened when he went to her city to break up with her. I said it would probably dredge up a lot of stuff for me, and only he knows how bad it is going to be since I don't know. But I need to know those things before I can start to heal and move on. He nodded.

In my head (and in all the books) you don't really start piecing until the WS is totally transparent, remorseful, willing to do whatever it takes to help the LBS heal. In my case, I just can't say that he is there, because we haven't been talking about it at all. I do see his actions being consistent with being there for me, being a good H and dad, trying to make me feel better through acts of service (my primary LL). I do believe him that he's committed to the M, given the things he's said to me and his actions have been totally consistent with that for the last 3 plus months since he broke it off. And it is true, as I said earlier, that things are way better between us and we are probably closer than we've ever been... except for dealing with the A, which is of course a giant, giant trust gap that maybe isn't fixable.

All along I knew it would take time for him to let her go in his head, grieve the end of the A, and be ready to both deal with the aftermath and work on M2.0 with me. I just don't know where his head is right now and I'm a little scared to open up that door in case he isn't as far along the path as I'd like him to be. (As I type that I get it that I have expectations that I need to let go of as we move into this process.)

Sorry for the long post. Would love any advice anyone has for me.