I wanted to update, and also discuss a huge piece of this that I left out. I was embarrassed, and didn't know how to handle some of this outside of H and I. I am adding this in so hopefully someone will find my situation helpful to them and that means including a part I initially did not disclose for a few reasons. I vowed to keep this to myself and IC/MCs, but want to share here for advice and in the hopes it will help someone down the road. I know that if I can tell this story anywhere, it's here.
Before H left for his work trip at the beginning of March, I accidentally found out that he did in fact cheat on me only while we were separated. I found this in a journal completely by accident - H has never kept a journal in his life, it was in his trunk, and the first page was open to "had great sex." So, yes, then I read it. It covered most of when he was gone There were other topics in there too about how he was pretty sure he couldn't overcome what happened between us, and how I made him angry. It was devastating. However, the benefit was that I have the actual timeline of when things occurred. There was no overlap between when he lived at home and when he was hanging out more. He went on a date with a friend in early January, had a drunk one nighter with a separate old GF around that time, and went on a few dates/had sex with someone where he was living during late November/mid December. I confronted him, and he said he had planned to tell me when he returned from his trip (I did later see evidence supporting this - he had spoken to his IC about it), so I could make an informed decision, and he knew that him telling me meant he may lose me, but that he couldn't move back without me knowing. I know the details that I wanted/needed to know. He's not balked at any of it.
Overall, this has really, really hurt. However, it didn't affect his decision to come back, and he has been amazing about this part (and others) ever since. No secrecy, answers whatever I want, shows me whatever I want. Obviously this has led to many painful conversations. During this time, though, he has shown some real emotional maturity, especially about his mindset during that time. He never has blamed me, never has made excuses, and not really sugar coated things with me which I appreciate. He has examined why he did this both in IC and in MC together, which we started 2 weeks ago. He is still deploying at the end of June, and he is dedicated to making our relationship as solid as possible before leaving. We have read MANY books together, had many talks, etc. - because we are also still working through why he left in the first place, and what our respective contributions were. I believe he is truly sorry and is trying to not hate himself over it. It's been tough b/c the biggest betrayal to me was that I specifically asked that we be faithful to each other when separated because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to come back from something like this. That part hurts the most. He has been there for me and been helping me through this hurt. I feel traumatized in many ways - how I found out, being betrayed, etc. I am glad to know that the timeline does truly match up, and have spent time understanding where he was mentally at that time. He knows he was a lost mess, but doesn't excuse his behavior. With every book that we have read on the topic, sometimes I feel guilty about how awful I feel when I read about situations that are objectively so much more awful - but I also allow myself to feel my feelings.
The benefit of virus stuff has helped us be able to spend a whole lot of quality time together, both having fun, having difficult talks, working through everything. We read the MWD infidelity book, as well as several others. He has been taking initiative with all of it. I don't think it's even through guilt - he genuinely wants us to be stronger, and I do actually believe him when he says he won't do this again. He says he really thought he couldn't get over how he felt about me, had felt neglected for a while, and ultimately being with others made him feel worse. He recreated the birthday that he missed by surprising me with a homemade cake and presents. He has hung out with our friends, and even called my dad last week. He has been the model, and it feels so genuine - which is weird for me to say since I am so naturally cynical. I do feel that if anything, that time apart hurts but also taught us a whole lot, and that lesson isn't a whole story to others without me disclosing this piece.
We are both still in IC, and both really love our new MC. She has been amazingly helpful, we both feel heard and supported. It's been almost 3 whole months since I found out and he came back. It's been rough, but I feel we are both better people for it, and have a stronger marriage. He has put in a lot of time and effort onto creating a safe supportive space inside and outside of our marriage. No one outside of our marriage knows, and I'd like to keep it that way. He has put a lot of effort into making our house a home, and I can tell it's because he is enjoying it and wants to. He tells me almost every day that I am his person. He has addressed so many individual issues he had going on, and frankly just done a lot of maturing in a way that is authentic. We are doing well, and are setting many better habits and deeper understandings in motion. I am definitely hurt and scared a lot, but also enjoying the super fun times that we are having together, too. If I had a dollar for every tough convo we have had during this time....oy.
