The bed thing isn't all that bizarre. He will sleep there occasionally. Only if he can get in and out unnoticed by the kids, which he's flat out said he doesn't want to get their hopes up. I won't ask him to sleep in there with me. I mean I guess because it looks like pursuit. But also because that's how I've been handling all of this. I'm here if you want something with me come and get it, but I'm not begging you. I don't need him in my life, or in my bed. I want him there. So he's welcome to me when he likes, until I decide he's not. I told him he's more than welcome to return to the bed since he's done sleeping with other women, and left it at that. He knows. But he was raised very, very Latino. I'm only half, I had a white mom so I was raised like a white kid.

White kids have sleep overs, and can climb in bed with their parents. That doesn't happen for most Hispanic kids, you usually have to get a couple generations out before that becomes ok, or have mixed kids. No sleepovers, sometimes family, but even cousin sleep overs are rare in some families. You don't sleep in your parent's bed. You are walked back to your bed. You don't sleep in your siblings' beds. Every one has a bed to sleep in you sleep in your spot. That last one is a little more lax with girls. Sleeping next to some one means little to nothing to me. Both kids were in my bed often since I asked H to go to the couch. I sleep next to my friends on girls trips. I've slept next to almost all my family members. Had tons of sleep overs as a kid and well an adult too, lol. But sleeping together is super intimate for H. Probably more so than sex. When he does sleep with me we inevitable wake up wrapped around each other. I get confused for a second and just roll away or pull my limbs away. He gets upset. I don't want to mind read but I think it's a mix of things. How intimate it feels is clearly one for him. There's no mind reading there needed. I think the sleeping with me and having sex means the sex isn't just sex any more and in his head he's trying to spare my feelings thinking that I'll read in to it. I'll let him have that one a little. It is a little harder to define "just sex" when you wake up being spooned by the person telling you it's just sex. I think the last piece is because he still doesn't' really know what he wants sleeping next to me feels like a nail in the coffin of returning to the MR. At least that's how my IC has been interpreting it. Like that's his finish line. His point of no return. And I can see that. I do honestly hope that's the case because I don't want to have to second guess him if he decides to come back in fully. I know the whole you'll know it, see it, feel it, with no confusion. But lack of confusion doesn't really account for my in ability to trust him fully yet.

He is leaning in as he has been. I wouldn't say anything has drastically changed enough to say he's leaning in more or less. Mother's Day was huge. I wouldn't really measure or try to interpret more than that. As of right now he really likes all the aspects of being married to me, minus the commitment part, which is whatever. 3 months ago he was convinced he was going to ride off into the sunset with who he convinced himself was the one. I'm not ready to commit to the MR fully, lol. One step at a time. I still need to do more healing here. And he still needs to figure himself and the affair out a bit more. I think the pace we're on is ok. At least for now. It's upsetting that he was ready to start a whole new life with OW in 3 months but isn't ready to start over with me. But we have a lot more working against us than a shiny new fantasy life. Like reality, old resentments, super fun new resentment, having to willingly admit fault, be vulnerable, open and honest, etc, etc. All things neither one of us is really feeling like dealing with, with each other at the moment, being trapped in and all, and maybe for him something he never wants to deal with. Who knows.