How do you DB when you love your WAS?

[SteveLW]

Another thing we see a lot here is LBSs being in denial about the possibility of their WAS being in an A. Here are some facts:

- In the vast majority of cases, there is an A, whether an EA or PA
- The reason it is so common is that most WASs are like monkeys resting on a branch. They won't leave their current branch until they find another one that the feel can support them
- The fact that a WAS is willing to walk away from their marriage is the first indicator of an A
- As with trying to hold on for dear life out of love, love often makes the LBS ignore the obvious signs of an A
- The LBS is usually the last person to recognize that there is an A, though the indicators are obvious to others

So what are the indicators that LBSs so often miss:

- First, as stated above, their willingness to walkaway is the first indicator. I would guess that the % of the cases involving affairs where one S wants out of a marriages is in the high 90s.
- Significant periods of time where the WAS's whereabouts are unknown and unaccounted for
- Suddenly needing to work late or having a lot of after work hour work activities
- Always on their phone
- Secretive with their phone
- Long trips to the restroom
- Sits in their car for longs periods of time, either at home or other places
- Lots of "I am going out" without an explanation of where they are going
- If you use GPS to keep track of each other (Life360, etc) and they suddenly turn their GPS off
- Talks about or mentions alot another person (usually a member of the opposite sex)
- Change in grooming and dressing habits
- Suddenly interested in things they were never interested in before
- They stop dressing and undressing in front of you
- They no longer show affection or want to have sex
- They suddenly want sex a lot more (usually with a lack of affection otherwise)
- Anything that seems out of character with no clear explanation
- Start getting up much earlier or staying up much later than normal
- You have a feeling in your gut

Do not dismiss the power of that last bullet point. In both of my W's EAs, I just suddenly had a "feeling" something wasn't right. Maybe it was subtle clues, like being aggravated about having to take care of normal household chores that she normally did (like cooking dinner for the family), or suddenly she was going to bed at 2-3am. Whatever it was I could tell you stories in both cases where I suddenly had a gut instinct that something was amiss.

Why I think this is important, to watch for these signs? Because in both cases of EAs for my W, I was the one confronted and initiated BD. The reason I think that is important from a DBing standpoint is that if you are attuned to what is going on and you stay alert to the signs of above, you confronting them earlier than them getting to the point where they are ready and stating they want to walkaway is huge.

In my W's first EA, I confronted her and she immediately said she didn't want a D. I am not sure, but I believe the EA had been going on, starting slowly, for no more than 2 months when I caught it. By my catching it and confronting I shortcut the EA process, which if you aren't aware of how they work is very iterative. First, small, "harmless" flirting. Then discussions of dissatisfaction in their current relationships. Then more, suggestive flirting. Then pining to be together with one another, either sexually or relationship-wise. Though the wanting to be with each other sexually happens much earlier. It can then progress to virtual sex, exchanging erotic photographs, etc. And I believe all EAs are eventually destined for a PA, though some die on the vine before that point. And eventually will result in the person being willing to become a WAS. Very few start an EA with the intent of leaving their current MR, but the evolution of that EA eventually gets them there.

But by confronting it early, my W had just started into the pining phase. (It was still very powerful and an addiction for her, an addiction that took a while to break.) The longer it went on the less likely her reaction of "I don't want a D" would have been.

And in fact in her second one, just a little over 2 years ago, it had progressed way beyond the pining phase. They were deep in the virtual sex and erotic photo sharing phase. Now, I think this second one was a lot different. The first one happened mostly out of a chance encounter with the AP on social media (a high school reunion site). Couple that with some marital issues between us, it blossomed from just getting reacquainted to a full blown EA, and maybe more if not discovered by me. The second one was much more devious. She had been considering her options for months, and had gotten to the point of actually going out and looking for potential APs. Instead of becoming a walkaway due to the EA, the EA was because she was already willing to walkaway. The second greatly spends up the timeline mentioned above.

But still, even in the second EA, she had not arrived at the point where she was ready to proactively BD. I believe it was only a matter of weeks before it would have happened, but still I made her pull the trigger before she was fully ready. In fact, one of the pieces of evidence I found prior to confronting her was that she had been looking at apartments in the area. So she was getting close.

The point is that a vigilant LBS, that can as early as possible recognize the existence of an A, can improve their chances by discovering the A and confronting their yet-to-be WAS before they are ready to proactively BD. Remember, BD is a long time in coming. Very few WAS meet their AP, and then the next day BD their LBS. It is a process, over a long period of time, where they've convinced themselves that the branch they are ready to jump to can sustain their weight.

The fact that so many LBS come here after BD and are convinced there is no A, or at least completely ignorant to the fact there is one, amazed me. I think denial is a big part of it. But the sooner the A is discovered, and the WAS is confronted, the more likely you are to move to R. IF you still want to after you find out about the affair.

Sorry for the novel. Just something else I've been thinking about lately.