At some point last week my W, an RN, had a temperature and began a series of tests for the COVID19 virus necessary for a return to work. Her first test came back negative and there was a delay in the results of the 2nd. Ordinarily a cautious person with this sort of thing I was a bit surprised to hear the amount of traveling with the OM she's been doing over the last week around New England. I would doubt she would be getting close to people other than OM who doesn't seem concerned. I also heard that things with the OM are taking off crazy fast as they're talking about getting his & hers tattoos and thinking about selling their properties to buy a nicer waterfront home together. A year ago she wouldn't have had an interest in a tattoo as she always mentioned a preference for not wanting something permanent like that on her skin. The interest in real estate together only a month and a half in to this affair seems rash to say the least. It sounds like the two of them have completely lost their minds.
I wonder how long it will be before this burns out, if it ever does. How many rash decisions will be made that wouldn't have been made if she were not in some temporary state of mind divorced from reason? She seems like a completely different person from the one I knew and loved up until just two months ago. The few times I've talked with her on the phone (I don't call) it sounded like even her voice, and the inflections and cadence of her speech were different. Who is this person? Where the hell is my wife? I'm curious about the state of mind of the OM, a person who had been a friend, and had always seemed a decent enough man. I'm certain she is taking the lead and he's enjoying the ride, for now anyway. Having lost his wife to cancer a year ago he had been lonely and, I think, emotionally vulnerable. Looking back, her interest in him, even when it was only as a friend, seemed unnaturally excessive, almost maternal and protective in a way. I realize this now. I didn't at the time. I have to wonder if the craziness of all of this will give him a moment to stop and think. I'd guess if she perceives him as pulling back even in the slightest she will crash hard. Hard to believe, the same woman who was still emotionally invested in her marriage with me as recent as February while we were enjoying rum runners under a tiki cabana in Miami Beach, telling me how badly she wanted our marriage to work, that we had to work at it, and that she remained hopeful. Then again, I remember her also texting our friend, who was shark fishing off of the FL west coast at the time, wondering if he had caught the big one yet. Each day so much of what has happened comes into a better focus.
So, I had a nice discussion with Coach Chuck yesterday. He said Bob needs to take care of Bob. I need to immediately go to the Last Resort Technique, as ovennw mentioned last week. I need to lovingly DETACH! She needs to realize that her core belief that I can't change may not be true. She needs to know that some of my current activities are not consistent with what she would have expected.etc,etc.
I considered yesterday that I may not love the woman my wife is at the moment. I'm sad because I don't know where the woman I have known for 14 years is at the moment or if she even exists or will ever come back. I will always love that woman and feel bad that along the way I may have let her down. That said, not all of the mistakes that led to our disconnection were mine. But what's done is done, I can't change it, all I can do is look ahead. I really am not sure how patient I can be if things continue as they are now. I can already see where I may care less and less as time goes on without seeing any changes. I have my own life to live, and as Chuck said Bob needs to start taking care of Bob.
