Doing my thing & keeping a smile

[Pommy99]

Having three kids almost back to back also did not help with the situation. My failure was not being able to turn mommy mode on and off. I had lost myself in the daily grind. Of course, I also know that I'm not 100% to blame. H did very little outside of bringing money home. And I have almost accepted that I am supposed to carry all the burden of everything else because I'm a SAHM. My value lies in the endless pit of contribution that I thought I could fill by myself. I was not "happy" in the M either. But I never thought of quitting.

After BD, H has said something like "I will never be able to give him the level of affection that he's looking for" and "our drive is just not compatible, he will always want more than I can give."

Anyways. No out of the world revelation today, just something I feel like sharing. I wanted H back desperately right after BD, but it wasn't all sunshine and roses before then either. "What value can he add to my life now?" is the Q that's been on my mind lately.

i could’ve written all this myself. It’s so common to be stuck in the identity of “mum”, not just because of any instinctive behaviour to meet the needs of the child, but also because a child’s love is unconditional. A child will love you no matter what. Did you feel like H loved you unconditionally? What is your LL? Acts of Service? I felt incredibly lonely being a mum, H did little to make feel loved. Sure he provided for the family, but he only showed affection or gave me attention when he wanted sex. And I used to hate that, and it made me resent him, but I never understood why I felt that way. Like you, I was unhappy but I never walked out. For better or for worse. Now I have more understanding of how a marriage should work, and it’s frustrating to see how and why it fell apart, and to have the desire to do my part to fix it, but not have that cooperation from H.

I’m sorry that he feels you are sexually incompatible. This is the only reason my H has for leaving, and he openly admits it. I struggle to see that as a valid reason to end a marriage, but it is a sad fact for many and that is his truth. It really drives home my lack of understanding of the male species, but I respect that this is his need above everything else - I just don’t agree that you walk out on your kids because of it.

What did you conclude about the value that H adds to your life? I have been wondering the same thing. I have always fought for the love and attention of my H, and I’m still fighting. And I ask myself why I think he can meet my needs and those of the family. I honestly d9nt know the answer!!