Reading another poster's response triggered this trip down to memory lane....
Before BD, before discovering DB/learning about validation, love languages and all that good stuff, one main complaint from H was that I didn't show enough affection. I by nature am not a touchy feely person (both verbally and physically), but over the years I think that I've taken baby steps of improvement. But still, there were many moments of me thinking/asking "Why are you so sensitive to every little thing and why do you always interpret it as I don't love you enough?" We joked that emotionally H was the woman in the relationship and I was the man (women are traditionally seen as oversensitive and insecure - which I disagree with the idea now). I probably did not validate as much as I should have. I was so tired of defending myself when accused of "negligence," and I was at a loss of what exactly he wants from me.
Intimacy wise, H wanted it ALL THE TIME and at times it was exhausting. We've talked about whether his high drive was normal, and he said that everybody's normal is different. he is the way he is.This was also a point of contention between us and I remember H would say things like "Where else am I going to get it from if I don't get it from you?" or "I know my drive is hard to keep up but I've already tried to withhold it" etc. I've even questioned whether H has sex addiction. Many times he'd say that he needs to be taken care of and sex makes him feel better.
Having three kids almost back to back also did not help with the situation. My failure was not being able to turn mommy mode on and off. I had lost myself in the daily grind. Of course, I also know that I'm not 100% to blame. H did very little outside of bringing money home. And I have almost accepted that I am supposed to carry all the burden of everything else because I'm a SAHM. My value lies in the endless pit of contribution that I thought I could fill by myself. I was not "happy" in the M either. But I never thought of quitting.
After BD, H has said something like "I will never be able to give him the level of affection that he's looking for" and "our drive is just not compatible, he will always want more than I can give."
Anyways. No out of the world revelation today, just something I feel like sharing. I wanted H back desperately right after BD, but it wasn't all sunshine and roses before then either. "What value can he add to my life now?" is the Q that's been on my mind lately.
