Been a little over two months since my last post. Coronavirus upending things over here in Asia and whatnot.

Today was pretty frustrating. Though honestly it's nothing new.

Things have just been up and down with my relationship with H these past months. He struggles with anger issues and seems to nurse them rather than focus on moving forward. He takes everything personally and acts like a wounded animal (lashing out and blaming everyone else) when he doesn't like what he hears or sees. He can't let go of things people did to him in the past (but at the same time gets mad when he is called out for past actions). He acts entitled to his anger. It makes working with him difficult.

We are currently facing a lot of challenges with our business, due to this whole coronavirus mess. Before this all happened, we were facing challenges with his ability to lead our team and our company. He acknowledges he has issues but at the same time doubles down on old habits and destructive thinking.

I'm looking to be solution-oriented, but since he's not fully onboard with finding solutions (versus nursing his anger), I get a lot of pushback. God knows I'm trying to stay the course, and I get that this process will take awhile, but it's incredibly frustrating and depleting to deal with this. The worrisome part is that his actions have real consequences on our business stability. But he doesn't seem to care. It feels like his ego is more important than anything, and he lashes out when he perceives things to hurt his ego (a lot of times it's in his head, no one else intends to hurt him). I'm worried about what this is doing to me. I wonder if it's all worth it and how long it will take.

I feel like I would like to be with something who is emotionally healthier, and more committed to looking forward rather than constantly simmering about the past. I can't understand it. I wonder if some people just enjoy being angry and miserable in some sick and twisted way. Even when it's not healthy they are just comfortable there.

I'm also feeling more anxious now because of the limitations of this whole coronavirus mess. I feel like if I wanted to get out of this relationship and this business I would have very limited options in terms of finding a job or moving around. I feel more trapped and it's hugely stressful. I wish I had friends to talk to about this but I don't, and I'm not really sure about how to go about finding some kind of peer support.

I know this post is a bit of a downer but that's where I'm at right now. Maybe, hopefully, tomorrow will be better.