Nothing Left To Try

[LH19]

About two months ago, I discovered that my wife was having an affair after she missed our dinner plans by about 8 hours for no good reason.

I am really sorry to hear that my friend but you came to the right place.

I'd had that feeling that something was wrong for several weeks or maybe a few months. Early the next morning, she finally came to bed and began apologizing profusely. I simply told her that she needed to pick one of us and that the one she didn't pick would no longer be a part of her life. And I left it at that. Now, I'll admit that I definitely want to save my marriage and I drew a firm line because I thought she'd pick me. We've been together for 20 years. Until rather recently, we had a good marriage and we have very happy children. And she'd never stopped professing her love and dedication to me even during the midst of all this.

It is common for the WWs to flip flop in the beginning. She is being ruled by her emotions.

For about a week, she said and did all of the right things. She said a lot of nice things about me and the strength of our marriage before all this happened. But after that first week, she started to pull away from me and then she told me that her feelings had changed and we'd lost that spark. Three days later, she picked him.

This is actually predictable. She is choosing the shiny new sports car compared to the old reliable family truckster.

I told her that I'd prefer to stay married, but that I didn't want her to stay if she didn't love me like that any more. Then, I told her that she should move in with him and that I would be staying in the house.

This was a very good statement and uncommon for newbies to handle it with strength.

Four days later, she left for her mother's house. Initially, we were still talking on the phone and texting like we always had. But I left it to her to initiate the calls and the texts. That continued on for another six days and then it was radio silence. I went through the first few days of no contact without too much of a problem. I was confident that I could outlast her. However, that was misplaced confidence. About a week in, I broken down and called. When she answered the phone, I asked if she wanted to talk and she responded with an ice cold no. There's been minimal contact since that time.

Very predictable response and don't beat yourself up over it.

I rejected her preferences, told her that I would only agree to share time with the children equally and that I would be keeping the house. I also reminded her that I did not want to be part of one another's life any longer. This did not go over well at all. She even went so far as to tell me that it was fair to just discard her like that after 20 years.

Another great response by you! You are going to be a good student of DB. Of course she wants her cake and eat it too. More on that later.

After eight weeks, it seems that all I have done is encourage her to rush headlong into her new whirlwind romance with the other man (who no doubt has been whispering in her ear and pushing her all along). That was certainly not my intent, but the time to change course seems to have long since passed and it seems like any window of opportunity has long since closed. And if I'm going to go down in flames, this is exactly how I intend to go down.

Again, you did the right thing. You want the affair to burnout which it most likely will in time.

To make matters worse though, since she moved out, my emotions have begun to run rampant whenever I go to sleep. I manage to keep myself busy all day and to focus on the things I can control and the problems I can solve. But I keep waking up early in the morning after a distressing dream about my wife and I cannot shake it off until 15 to 20 minutes after I get up.

This is all very normal and will subside in time.

At this point, it looks like my marriage is dead and it seems like the only thing left to do is let go and move on. Probably should have reached out for advice somewhere along the line sooner than this, but as we all know decisive men don't ask for directions until after they've gotten lost and wrecked the car in a ditch.

Think of this as a marathon and the gun just went off. You have many miles to run and there will be ups and downs in the process. You life as you know it will never be the same but you will come out of this stronger. I am very hopeful that you have a chance to bust this divorce.

Post often and good luck!