About two months ago, I discovered that my wife was having an affair after she missed our dinner plans by about 8 hours for no good reason. I'd had that feeling that something was wrong for several weeks or maybe a few months. It's hard to remember exactly when it started. When she came home, I told her that I knew exactly where she was and what she was doing. I really didn't know for sure. I was just pretty certain. After an initial flurry of denials, she admitted the truth and locked herself in the guest room for the night.
Early the next morning, she finally came to bed and began apologizing profusely. I simply told her that she needed to pick one of us and that the one she didn't pick would no longer be a part of her life. And I left it at that. Now, I'll admit that I definitely want to save my marriage and I drew a firm line because I thought she'd pick me. We've been together for 20 years. Until rather recently, we had a good marriage and we have very happy children. And she'd never stopped professing her love and dedication to me even during the midst of all this.
For about a week, she said and did all of the right things. She said a lot of nice things about me and the strength of our marriage before all this happened. But after that first week, she started to pull away from me and then she told me that her feelings had changed and we'd lost that spark. Three days later, she picked him. I told her that I'd prefer to stay married, but that I didn't want her to stay if she didn't love me like that any more. Then, I told her that she should move in with him and that I would be staying in the house. Of course, I still wanted to save my marriage, but I figured that this madness would pass if I just held the line.
Four days later, she left for her mother's house. Initially, we were still talking on the phone and texting like we always had. But I left it to her to initiate the calls and the texts. That continued on for another six days and then it was radio silence. I went through the first few days of no contact without too much of a problem. I was confident that I could outlast her. However, that was misplaced confidence. About a week in, I broken down and called. When she answered the phone, I asked if she wanted to talk and she responded with an ice cold no. There's been minimal contact since that time.
Then, she returned from her mother's house and moved in with the other man. Within days of returning, she raised the issue of divorce and told me what her preferences were for splitting time with the children and dividing the assets. I rejected her preferences, told her that I would only agree to share time with the children equally and that I would be keeping the house. I also reminded her that I did not want to be part of one another's life any longer. This did not go over well at all. She even went so far as to tell me that it was fair to just discard her like that after 20 years.
After eight weeks, it seems that all I have done is encourage her to rush headlong into her new whirlwind romance with the other man (who no doubt has been whispering in her ear and pushing her all along). That was certainly not my intent, but the time to change course seems to have long since passed and it seems like any window of opportunity has long since closed. And if I'm going to go down in flames, this is exactly how I intend to go down.
To make matters worse though, since she moved out, my emotions have begun to run rampant whenever I go to sleep. I manage to keep myself busy all day and to focus on the things I can control and the problems I can solve. But I keep waking up early in the morning after a distressing dream about my wife and I cannot shake it off until 15 to 20 minutes after I get up.
At this point, it looks like my marriage is dead and it seems like the only thing left to do is let go and move on. Probably should have reached out for advice somewhere along the line sooner than this, but as we all know decisive men don't ask for directions until after they've gotten lost and wrecked the car in a ditch.
Spiral, sorry man. I know this is difficult. I am not sure you have made many mistakes here. Most of your actions above were the right actions. Breaking no contact was the lone exception, but you recognize that now. I know it is tough. PAs are like an addiction. It sounds like when you confronted her she was remorseful and tried to end it and stay in the marriage. But then the addiction took back grip and sucked her in. Many wayward wives try to have their cake and eat it too. I think you did the right thing from a respect standpoint by making her choose. We see a lot of situations here and it is a darned if you do, darned if you don't. If you let them stay in both places, they will linger there, and cake eat. This is very damaging from a respect standpoint as the more tolerant to an affair a LBH is, the less respect a WW will have for him. If you force them to choose, then that means you can command a bit of respect, but it also means you may not be their choice.
Given the two options, I think the prospects for Ring down the line is heightened by the second option, regardless of their initial choice. I disagree with your assessment that there is no hope. Rs started in deceptions and lies have a very low chance of long-term survival. Her and the OM can never really trust each other because if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. So this new R she has started with OM will likely come to an end at some point, either by her doing or his. Likely she will come crawling back to you. I think that is why she reacted poorly to you "discarding" her after 20 years. She wants you squarely in place as Plan B.
Regardless of if she ever comes back or not, you best way forward is still to move on. Being stuck in place, any place, is never healthy. You should be moving forward no matter what! If she comes to her senses in time and comes back while you are still willing to take her back, then you will have a choice to make. Until then you should be moving on and upward. Likely by time she comes around to her senses you will be past it and tell her to kick rocks.
Be proud you stuck up for yourself and commanded respect. You didn't win the girl, but you won her respect. You pretty much told her "Heck no, I will not sit by and allow you to keep me on the back-burner while you run around with an OM. And while there is sadness and pain at her choice, hold your head high that you stuck to your guns. So many LBSs allow their WW to walk all over them while openly cheating with an OM unabashedly. Personally, I'd prefer what you did to that any day of the week!
So yes, you are in pain. You are having the dreams and trouble sleeping. We've all gone through similar. All I can tell you is to give it time. Continue to work on yourself. Keep yourself busy like you are doing. Maybe look into IC to sort out everything. And keep moving forward.
Last edited by Steve85; 05/18/2002:17 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
