However, the more I tried to explain what my actions really meant and prove that I do trust him by living with him and letting him be alone with the children regularly, the more he doubled down on his feelings. He was choked up, crying, and obviously holding a lot of anger and hurt. I've been reading a lot on communication and remembered that most of the time people just want their feelings to be accepted. So that's what I did.
Excellent! Yes we talk about that a lot here ("validation"). When you try to explain your position his perception is that you are telling him he is wrong. When you validate, it quickly diffuses the situation.
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I didn't agree with his perception that I don't trust him. I simply said that it must have been awful for him to feel that.
Perfect! Validation isn't agreeing or disagreeing, negotiating, arguing, explaining, justifying, etc. It's simply seeking to understand the other person's feelings and acknowledging those feelings.
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He hates me. He has no idea I love him. Trying is useless.
It's honestly pretty typical for a WAS to treat the LBS very poorly, even "hate" them. It will change in time, but it's miserable to go through for sure. Just hang in there and try to be patient!
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He's got mass amounts of resentment, and whenever he shares one with me it's not at all true or I'm completely unaware it was an issue.
Those things may not have been an issue at all, but now he had decided to take all those past grievances that he had let go of and turn them into reasons the M will never work. That's what WAS's do, we call it "rewriting of history". You can't fix him and you can't fix all that, so what do you do? You already touched on it- you listen and validate. Validation is perfect for these situations because it allows you to accept what he is saying without AGREEING with it.
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But I typically just correct him. "No, that's not what I meant at all," but he's not able to accept it yet.
Don't ever say that! Even in a healthy relationship. No one likes to be told they are wrong! If you step back and listen and validate, then often the other person will realize they were overreacting. But the key is letting them arrive at that conclusion themselves.
