I always wanted to be honest to my son. I never wanted him to think that divorce - unless abuse is the way to go when there are kids involved. I went in not wanting to lie and protect his father but not badmouthing and making it high conflict. My biggest fear, obviously is that he will copy his dad - which a lot of boys do. My son did adjust - mostly because my ex and i are not high conflict. I feel my ex wants bare minimum responsibility without looking too bad to girlfriends/his mom etc. I think maybe he worries about what I know regarding addictions and money too - and just wants to keep me calm. But this ensures a lot of peace too. Unspoken arrangement is I don’t ask for too much money but I get full say.
Now for the most part my son adjusted well. no conflict, and my son actually spends more time with his dad now then he did before the divorce because it’s in the contract that his dad has him every other weekend. Son is now 9 and he tells me he likes having different areas to live in even though he misses me.
My son has always been tough. He’s hyperactive and really gifted - meets ceilings on iq scores. I had thought spectrum but he’s so social that they think the issues are more related to adhd. He argues with me constantly. Very intense. Really immature but also profound. I’m only telling you about the gifted stuff - because it actually is a form of special education and it comes with a slew of really tough issues. I don’t want people to think I’m bragging - because I know a lot of these kids actually don’t do well.
I struggle with guilt if I’m too strict - since I know he hasn’t had things easy and since some of the newer models tell me to validate and their theories are completely different then how I was raised (you respect elders - strict consequences- ) I think part of me worries that because I didn’t get listened to - I ended up in bad relationships. But then my son will completely manipulate me too if I don’t get strict like my parents.
So the other day he said how his parents divorce was because his daddy was keeping secrets - but now he thinks it’s really because I argue so much. (During an argument about how he feels like he always has to listen to me - I’m his mom and yes he does).
How do I handle comments like that? It’s disrespectful. His dad was an addict - not coming home and secretely depleting marital funds. of course I was arguing with him. But what do I say to a kid - to keep him respectful but also to shut that sh!t down ASAP.
Last edited by job; 05/18/2002:29 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
