Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

I asked H if he wanted to go for a walk yesterday as there were some things I wanted to talk about. He agreed. I said I’d really like to discuss what we are trying to achieve. We are in separation but see or speak virtually daily, that he had wanted to come home 2 weeks ago but changed his mind, and now we’re back to acting as friends and it’s confusing the children, and I think we need to discuss how we take this forward. He talked about his IC, that he wasn’t getting any answers, IC had said “you sound like you know what you want”. And I asked “and what is that?” And he went on to say he wanted passion, someone who was confident and fun. (This means in the bedroom. This means someone else.) I asked why he felt that we could never achieve that. He talked about needing to feel the feelings before considering Reconciliation and he doesn’t feel that way about me.

We talked about other things for a bit - I mentioned that I was about to book a holiday cottage in July but was a little apprehensive in case the Coved restrictions were extended. He said “what - just you and the girls” and I said yes. He was a little taken aback. It might be the first time he’s realised that family holidays will not include him.

We also then got on to what I want, and I explained that I wanted a husband who acted like a H, and that for the last 15 months he hadn’t acted like one. I said I was tired of this limbo, that all of last year he had enjoyed his weekly trips to the city whilst I was at home wondering what my “husband” was up to. I said it makes me feel sick when I look at you and think you’re my husband yet we have nothing akin to a marriage and haven’t for a long time. We then got onto the subject of meeting other people and I told him I had been chatting to a couple of guys online since he’d moved out, and whilst I wasn’t ready for a new R it was nice to know that there were people who made me feel appreciated, told me I was attractive and funny, and had the same interests as me. He was visibly shocked that I had been talking to guys online, and probed for a lot of details - had I spoken on the phone, how old, did they have kids, were they local, was I still in touch. I said I hadn’t spoken to them in a couple of weeks. And I hoped he wondered if I was lying or telling the truth, just like all the times he had made me wonder the same.

And he went on to say that right now he was frightened about making a wrong move. I thought he was going to say about reconciliation, but he actually meant about going it alone, in case he realised he’d made a mistake and that what he was searching for wasn’t really what he wanted, and he’d lost everything. And I just felt sorry, sorry that I’d let him treat me the way he had for the last year, sorry that even now he’s still very much looking away from the M, and that the only reason he’s clinging on is fear. Sorry that he told D16 this week that he really wanted to make it work, when clearly he doesn’t.

I think I gave him some food for thought. Because up until now it’s been all about him, and what he wants, that I don’t want to break up. And that I’ll wait forever. And I think I left feeling in control. Because I won’t wait forever, and I will plan life, holidays etc without him. I decided overnight that I might file for D in September. Sept will be 18 months since I overheard him on the phone to OW and I got the ILYB. Sept is when the kids go back to school.

His parting comment when I left was how good I had looked in my black skirt last week, and how great my legs are. And in my mind I just thought how much I disliked my H and that he didn’t deserve that title.