About two months ago, I discovered that my wife was having an affair after she missed our dinner plans by about 8 hours for no good reason. I'd had that feeling that something was wrong for several weeks or maybe a few months. It's hard to remember exactly when it started. When she came home, I told her that I knew exactly where she was and what she was doing. I really didn't know for sure. I was just pretty certain. After an initial flurry of denials, she admitted the truth and locked herself in the guest room for the night.
Early the next morning, she finally came to bed and began apologizing profusely. I simply told her that she needed to pick one of us and that the one she didn't pick would no longer be a part of her life. And I left it at that. Now, I'll admit that I definitely want to save my marriage and I drew a firm line because I thought she'd pick me. We've been together for 20 years. Until rather recently, we had a good marriage and we have very happy children. And she'd never stopped professing her love and dedication to me even during the midst of all this.
For about a week, she said and did all of the right things. She said a lot of nice things about me and the strength of our marriage before all this happened. But after that first week, she started to pull away from me and then she told me that her feelings had changed and we'd lost that spark. Three days later, she picked him. I told her that I'd prefer to stay married, but that I didn't want her to stay if she didn't love me like that any more. Then, I told her that she should move in with him and that I would be staying in the house. Of course, I still wanted to save my marriage, but I figured that this madness would pass if I just held the line.
Four days later, she left for her mother's house. Initially, we were still talking on the phone and texting like we always had. But I left it to her to initiate the calls and the texts. That continued on for another six days and then it was radio silence. I went through the first few days of no contact without too much of a problem. I was confident that I could outlast her. However, that was misplaced confidence. About a week in, I broken down and called. When she answered the phone, I asked if she wanted to talk and she responded with an ice cold no. There's been minimal contact since that time.
Then, she returned from her mother's house and moved in with the other man. Within days of returning, she raised the issue of divorce and told me what her preferences were for splitting time with the children and dividing the assets. I rejected her preferences, told her that I would only agree to share time with the children equally and that I would be keeping the house. I also reminded her that I did not want to be part of one another's life any longer. This did not go over well at all. She even went so far as to tell me that it was fair to just discard her like that after 20 years.
After eight weeks, it seems that all I have done is encourage her to rush headlong into her new whirlwind romance with the other man (who no doubt has been whispering in her ear and pushing her all along). That was certainly not my intent, but the time to change course seems to have long since passed and it seems like any window of opportunity has long since closed. And if I'm going to go down in flames, this is exactly how I intend to go down.
To make matters worse though, since she moved out, my emotions have begun to run rampant whenever I go to sleep. I manage to keep myself busy all day and to focus on the things I can control and the problems I can solve. But I keep waking up early in the morning after a distressing dream about my wife and I cannot shake it off until 15 to 20 minutes after I get up.
At this point, it looks like my marriage is dead and it seems like the only thing left to do is let go and move on. Probably should have reached out for advice somewhere along the line sooner than this, but as we all know decisive men don't ask for directions until after they've gotten lost and wrecked the car in a ditch.
