I can’t control her or her decisions. Since 2017 I read more than a dozen, probably closer to 2 dozen books on marriage. We’ve been in and out of marriage counseling for three years.
I think at this point I’m trying to develop myself and find a way to make peace with something I can’t control. I’m trying to make peace with letting go. And I’m working to really know myself, to understand my value as a person, and realize that I’ll be okay. Your life situation is not your life.
At this point I guess I’m battling for myself. If that saves my marriage, so be it. If it doesn’t, I can say I tried everything and truly gave it my all.
Today’s our wedding anniversary. Overall I’d say she’s being friendly over the past months. Still very limited affection, meaning I got a hug a week ago and a hug two weeks before that. I often think about reaching out to our mediator to just get something moving in some direction, but I know that would not be the right direction and that I need to stay patient. I think more about keeping the family together for the kids that for her at this point. I’m just so exhausted and i wonder if I can ever have the marriage i dreamed about with this woman.
I tried to buy an Anniversary card but that was a real struggle. I could go with a blank card but then i have to come up with something to write inside and my heart is struggling. I made dinner plans tonight because I figured it was the right thing to do; but is this really a celebration? It roughly marks the anniversary of an Her emotional affair From 4 years ago with the anniversary of marriage counseling soon to follow and her breakup months after, followed by the countless times I’ve been told we are getting divorced (which at this point hasn’t happened since February.
My home is basically a co-parenting situation with a friend. I didn’t sign up for that. I can’t make plans for the future because I have no idea what that future is and so large home maintenance projects continue to be deferred. I never give up on things. And with this I just keep grinding it out every day. I don’t feel like I have anyone to share my inner world with. Just keep grinding, and i hope to get to a place where she says she wants to stay married and we can move on.
Don't know your sitch so won't moment on that. But what are you telling the kids about the sitch?
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Quick Summary: 2 kids, 12, 9. Married 15 years. Wife had an EA that ended 3.5 years ago. We were in counseling and then she had decided she wanted a divorce. That was 2.5 years ago. She stated unequivocally she wanted one again 2 months later and I asked for 6 months, she gave me 3.
That deadline came and we were in counseling with a new counselor. She said I needed to stop being so fixated on the date and she stopped asking for a divorce but we continued in counseling. Things improved, but not back to the way they were, at the same time things would get worse. It felt like riding a roller coaster.
We went away to a marriage retreat for troubled couples and following that things really seemed to get better for the following 9 months. Then suddenly last August a couple of things happened over a two week period and she said she wanted a separation. We went through counseling and she repeatedly said she wasn't sure if she wanted a separation or a divorce.
At the beginning of this year the counselor pushed her to make a decision and she decided divorce and we began the process, but Covid stopped it.
Since the beginning of the year I also started personal counseling. I found that it began to help me. I imagine I could call this time in my life a midlife crisis. Work was a challenge and my marriage was a mess - so I believe that qualifies.
I found some tools that really helped me. The most helpful was the Enneagram which allowed me to recognize who I was - things I hadn't been willing to accept before, and also allowed me to see her and understand her for who she was. It was actually groundbreaking because I always thought her and I were the same. With this new knowledge I realized how incredibly different we are for the first time in our 20 year relationship. Our first mediation session happened in February but I was still hopeful.
My hope was that as I worked on myself and owned my part (really owned it and really saw her) that in 4 months or so she would come around. It stung in April when she got upset and let me know she still wanted a divorce, but then we didn't talk about it and things really seemed to improve.
In June she told me to plan our annual family Christmas trip while flights were on sale. She had been talking about buying a lake home here and there. It seemed like she was mentioning a future with us together in it.
Then to start the month, we talked about our marriage for the first time in three months. And she said things "were getting worse", the virus put "her life on hold", and that she still wanted a divorce. At the same time she asked if we could ever be happy again, if we could ever love again. And she told me that she would always love me, she just wasn't in love with me. She let me know that she wasn't anywhere close to physical intimacy. (We haven't been physically intimate since last August).
It was a devastating and crushing blow. She went out of town 4 days ago and I've been trying to pick up the pieces. I'm so tired. Everyone in my life is telling me that its okay to move on, that I've given it my all, except for one friend of mine who believes in marriage. He said he would never tell me divorce was okay. He said he wishes he could, but its not.
I'm not sure how I'm going to catch my next wind. I've had heartache, depression, and sadness before, but this is like getting punched in the solar plexus and not being able to recover. A loss of breath, a loss of the ability to breath in deeply and letting the air fill my lungs.
I know, the advice is that I haven't "detached" and I must do it immediately. Maybe I can't. Because detaching for me means giving up and moving on.
My next step - that has to be the focus. Just one step at a time. In the past when I've been here the thing I've found the most helpful is to find some time that I can spend in nature that doesn't wreck the rest of my schedule. I guess I'll try that, I'll continue to work on me, and I'll continue to pray -- and not just for me but for all the blessed and wonderful people here that are going through hell, who will never hear "thank you for trying so hard, I'm sorry", but may fight and hear "I'm sorry, but I'm done". God bless you all.
Last edited by job; 07/09/2005:00 PM. Reason: removed link to old thread because poster still had 16 postings to go
I can feel your pain in your writing brother and I have been there my friend. You're use to being able fix things in your life that aren't working. This is something that you can't fix and it's a bitter pill to swallow. Unfortunately once they make up their mind there is typically no going back until the divorce is final and they spend years understanding the damage that has been done. I have cautioned you in the past to temper your expectations. You will feel good about the fact that you fought for your family to the bitter end.
Its time to drop the rope and give her the freedom she is asking for. Time to open the cage door and let her run free. Sometimes life teaches us really hard lessons but that's how we grow.
I have merged your two threads together because you had not reached the 100 posting/reply limit. If you want me to remove the first posting that you had created in the "second" thread, I will be happy to do so since you do not need a recap.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
At the beginning of this year the counselor pushed her to make a decision and she decided divorce and we began the process, but Covid stopped it.
Scott a couple of things. First this upsets me. This is why we say be careful with traditional MC. A good counselor would know that if you pressure a WAS they will 99 out of 100, pick D. This is why we say no R discussions. No pressure and no pursuit. Think of a WAS as being on the edge of a cliff, the fall being D, and if you push them they will fall right over the edge.
However, I do need to challenge your stance on detaching. You said "I know, the advice is that I haven't "detached" and I must do it immediately. Maybe I can't. Because detaching for me means giving up and moving on." That is not detaching....that is completely unplugging. Detachment is something you do emotionally, it is not something you do physically. Think of detachment as not reacting emotionally to anything she says or does. And Scott, as someone that has been through it, what a profound impact it can have on the WAS.
I remember, when my W came to me to ask me to help her with her resume. Remember, her plan was get a job, get an apartment and get a D. So her resume was the first step towards her ultimate goal of D. By then I was really starting to work on my detachment. So I pleasantly responded, "sure, I can help anyway you want." When she came to me a few minutes later and asked if it was okay if she bought some interviewing books (remember, she was a SAHM mom for 15+ years at that point, though she does have a bachelor degree). I again, pleasantly, in an upbeat way, and completely emotionally even said "yep, get whatever you need".
Scott, the next day, after she had spent hours at her desk updating her resume, she came out teary-eyed. And said she felt like she was doing the wrong thing. That she knew God hated D. Again, I remained emotionally level. I stayed pleasant and positive. I validated her feelings and told her she needed to do what she felt she needed to do.
I honestly believe that if I had reacted emotionally to her request for help on her resume and buying interview books, that she would have been emboldened. My emotional detachment conveyed the message that I was ok with moving on without her. It was had powerful impact on her.
So do not dismiss detachment and its power. Nor confuse it with giving up and pulling the plug. It doesn't have to mean the same thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm so tired. I don't know whether or not its "progress". I started keeping track of positives in our relationship but I failed to keep track of why they are happening. In July, after I last wrote some interesting things happened. She told me she loved me for the first time since January. She sent me a text to share some fun she was having. She bought me craft beers a couple of times to show she was thinking of me. She talked about buying a boat (high end ski boat) together, and a lake house. We went on vacation and she was consistently finding me to come be near me.
One night I asked her if she wanted a good night kiss because she had kind of leaned over towards me and she said yes. That was the first time this year. Every night since then we've given each other a kiss night. One night as we were going to sleep she said "I love you." And a week ago I asked her if she wanted to cuddle as we went to sleep and she said yes. It was the first time since last September that we had done that.
We haven't talked more about our relationship since July 2nd when she last implied she wanted a divorce still. It looks like I've made a lot of progress.
This past week she was on my case pretty good about a couple of things and it really grinded me down. I'm just struggling to stay in the fight. I'm struggling to see the point. I feel like I'm only in it for the kids - shes beaten me down to a point where I am not feeling that loving feeling anymore.
I feel like I'm stuck in a place and I can't do anything about it. I don't feel like I can make it better, at least in a time frame that I can deal with. I mean, how many more years of this do i have to live and the outcome could still be divorce. And if we save the marriage, what kind of a marriage will it be? I would accept her back lovingly if she ever said she was sorry or expressed appreciation for me holding us together, but she is so full of pride, I can't imagine her saying that.
I feel like I do more than my fair share around the house considering I also work full time. She is at home with the kids and considers that alone her job, and then we split all the household duties. That just doesn't feel very fair to me. They are old enough they basically take care of themselves.
Of all the people that know my situation 3 are still trying to encourage me and one of the three I pay to tell me to stick it out.
Why did I type this? I needed to vent. I'm so exhausted. I just can't express that enough. I am so worn out.
