Yes, there is a whole theory that they rush things along with OW to legitimize their decisions to others. They want to say: “this IS serious and lasting! This was not just a fling.” Of course, no healthy person jumps from one relationship to another at break neck pace. And healthy people don’t have affairs. Well adjusted women don’t get with married men.
I do think, with time and distance you will see more and more that you dodged a bullet and early in your life. This only gives you time to rebuild beauty.
When I look back on it my ex had issues with turning 30! And 40! And he talked about turning 50 like it was the end of life as we know it. At 45 he was saying things like he needed to find himself, find women who looked him meaningfully, etc. He also thought every 20 year old in a bikini was hot for him. Aging is a huge issue for these folks.
My point is, if your ex is this poorly adjusted in his 30’s, without major course correction, which requires solitude and inner work, he will have a massive MLC in 15 or so years. A mistress ain’t gonna fix it.
What is left unfinished always resurfaces. Take lots of time to heal so that you attract healthy situations going forward.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thinking about issues with aging, just before my ex turned 40, he showed up one day in this teeny tiny Matchbox of a Saab convertible. He is 6’3” and looked like a clown getting out of it.
He never even told me he was on the market for it! I immediately fell over laughing asking him who he thought was going to ride in this thing as I am tall as were my kids! Then I said “omg, are you having a midlife crisis?!?!”
He kept trying to get us all to go on these road trips in the thing. But we were like pretzels in the thing. My kids couldn’t even fit in the back seat without hugging their knees. And I was kissing the windshield having pulled my seat up so far to make room for the kid behind me. It was so bizarre that it did not occur to him that this car was waaay too small.
Of course, in hindsight this was in fact one of the first “classic” signs he was starting a MLC. He sold it within the year and was on to the next “fix.” He was always changing things up at a 6-9 month clip.
It took him years to leave after living in a self created dorm room. It was such a relief when he finally took the plunge to go “find himself.” I had no idea how hard it was having him under the same roof until he left. Consider yourself fortunate.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yeah, HaWho, mine had a definite MLC at 40 which eventually lead into and affair, and then again as he was approaching 50 which led to our divorce. Now he just turned 60 and I wonder what effect that’s having on his current marriage.
KML - I think the sitch with your ex and his wife has to have its challenges just based on the large age difference never mind the MLC component that probably still lingers in your ex.
I know a couple where the wife (she is #3) is almost 25 years younger than her h. I think he was struggling with aging when he met her. There is a huge financial difference between them; she signed his prenup. He is a well reknowned surgeon and nowhere did he marry his intellectual equal. As years have passed he sort of mocks her. It is quite disrespectful as he knew she was not an intellectual type when he met her. His kids do not respect her; never did. She is only a few years older than his daughter.
He openly treats her like the Junior Partner in the firm. I just don’t get what she saw in this match.
Anyway, at first the age difference was not such a factor. But now that he is almost 70 and she is almost 45, it’s stark! She is starting to have to really care for him: “did you eat this morning? Why are you sitting in the house watching TV in a complete darkness?” And when she comes home she sort of sings out his name a few times as she walks in as if to wake him up. When they are out people assume he is her dad. So she tries to dress really old.
Their conversations DO sound more like a daughter checking in on her dad. Age is not just a number!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yeah - when my ex met his current wife he was 50 and she was 31. As he was a fit surfer the age difference physically probably didn’t seem too much. And my MLC ex could hang out with her and her friends and pretend he was still in his 30’s himself.
I don’t think she’s a gold digger, fwiw, although I’m sure the exotic vacations were a plus. His duplex is very simple, only expensive because it’s one block from a famous surf break in a very wealthy part of town. He’s made it nice in a beach pad kind of way. He’s very charming and I think she genuinely cares for him.
But now he’s had two shoulder surgeries and two lumbar back surgeries in the past couple of years and is currently suffering crippling chronic pain (and sounds like depression, which he is prone to). His retirement plans have been thrown off by this - the original plan to take early retirement then work per diem 2-3 days a week to have the same salary as before retirement is suddenly now just his pension, so half what he was expecting to have. And while that still ought to be enough for him to live on, especially with her salary too, it’s not enough for her to retire or cut back too. And not enough to spend without some kind of budget. (Yes, a pretty comfortable budget but no impulsive $5,000 guitar purchases allowed).
So now he’s probably grumpy, depressed, disabled - all of a sudden looking like an old man at 60 instead of a “god among men”. It may be giving her a glimpse into the future. Ten years from now he’ll be 70 and she’ll be 51. She’s a cute Asian chick who will probably age well and have plenty of offers from other men if she wants them.
I honestly hope she stays with him and cares for him, so he doesn’t fall on my kids. Hopefully he’s not picking at her like he did with me. Cheating on her seems less likely in the short run, although it’s in his nature so anything is possible.
Totally fine, the convo has been interesting to follow. I enjoy getting the perspective of you ladies who are old hat at this stuff. Agree with you both that I’ve dodged a bullet.
On the topic of age difference - X is about to be 30, OW is 21. Eight or nine years doesn’t sound like much difference for a middle-aged couple, but it is in your twenties. It’s hard for me to even feel threatened by her because she’s so young.
Your twenties are for discovering yourself, throwing caution to the wind, adventuring and trying new things, rebelling against authority. I’m willing to bet that this affair will just be a chapter in OW’s life and she’ll eventually move on.
A mutual male friend checked out her social media profiles and said there was no trace of XH, but posts and pictures of other guys her age tagged as her ‘besties’. Male friend said “she looks like she likes the attention of the whole village”.
I don’t know the odds of success for affairs turning legit long-term, but there aren’t too many alternate universes where I see this particular one lasting. I kinda hope it does, though.
Them staying together prevents two cheaters from hurting other people. It gives them both exactly what they deserve. It benefits S2 to have another caregiver on his dad’s time. It keeps XH from trying to crawl back into my life.
And it gives me the satisfaction of knowing that no matter how hard XH tries to legitimise their affair, they’ll both be looked at askance as long as they’re together. The relationship is and always will be irreparably tainted.
The pain of abandonment and betrayal was deep and terrible. It was life-altering. But it was finite. XH will never understand that pain, but he will live with unease and discomfort for the rest of his life, whether he’s with her or not.
I’d rather be me, all things considered. You can’t put a price on peace.
He’s not officially XH yet, but I've asked my L to begin the divorce paperwork this week as it will be one year since BD/separation on the 5th of June. The government considers the relationship irretrievably broken past that point.
X came to pickup S2 this morning. It wasn’t until I sat down to work that I remembered the date. Today is my wedding anniversary - it would have been the fourth. I nearly forgot, but felt a wash of relief and reflection once it hit me.
I loved being a wife. I did not love being married to X. I loved X. I’m glad I’m not with X. X tried to destroy me. I have no anger or hatred for X any more. All these are true simultaneously.
Last week I posted about two unexpected financial windfalls that occurred following my settlement. Yesterday I received another one! Apparently I overpaid childcare fees this past year so the government has reimbursed me $4000.
Happy anniversary to me What a crazy year it has been. The most important year of my life. I’ve started talking to a local single dad with full time care of his little boy and it makes me excited for the future.
One word of advice - keep your dating quiet until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. I know it seems absurd but sometimes the WAS goes a little crazy when they see you dating and then decide to put a spanner in the works of the divorce. Just don't give him any opportunity.
Glad to see you are optimistic about the future. Remember though - when it comes to dating SHOP AROUND. And don't expose your kid to your dates until a minimum of 6 months in. They don't need to get attached to your dates and then experience more loss if it doesn't work out. You want to wait until you have a sense this relationship is likely to go somewhere long term before involving your child.
What a crazy year it has been. The most important year of my life. I’ve started talking to a local single dad with full time care of his little boy and it makes me excited for the future.