Honestly even if she left or I did I'm not sure I have any kind hope she would even realize she misses anything about us.
It's not so much about finding something to cause her to miss you, as it is about her facing consequences for her choices. The LBH has to stand up for what he believes is right. I’m not talking about controlling the WW. He cannot force her to change, but he doesn’t have to allow disrespect under his own roof. He is the leader in his family/home. He has to live his life based on his core values, integrity, principles, etc. If he is being the very best man he knows how to be…….. does that change if his W does not respond the way he hoped? I think not. Why would he stop being the best he can be?
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Unlike a lot of what I read on here my wife is not having an affair with a single person. Its not something where she wants any kind of commitment or plan.
As I've stated previously, she doesn't have to be in one affair with one man. She doesn't even have to be in an affair at all. It's just that it's so common in the cases we read on the board. I want you to get your head out of this idea your W isn't wayward b/c she's not limiting herself to one particular man, and/or is not seeking a commitment. That may be what you've interpreted in some stories here, but I've read about women who never have a PA, but have an EA. Sometimes the OM doesn't even know he is the object of her fantasy, and other times, he does. On the other hand, I’ve read plenty of cases where the WW went wild and tried to sleep with everything that walked. I'm not sure if you are trying to find a loophole or if you really misunderstand what you've read. (I hope I don’t sound offensive by that statement.) If I've learned one thing since I've been on the board, is that some LBH’s had rather his W be anything other than a WW.......including her having a mental illness, which I think is pretty sad. Men will jump at diagnosing their W with MLC......but just don't pin that wayward label on her. To me, that says a lot about ego, plus, they don't understand the cornerstone of the WW mindset......all they see is their W's rejection and giving her time & attention (and maybe affection) elsewhere. Well, guess what? From what I've seen, so do the MLC crowd, and MLC usually lasts a lot longer, generally speaking.
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She wants independence and as a part of that she wants to be able to have whatever fun she wants to have with whomever. So there isn't going to be a falling out that breaks her, she has already fallen out with multiple people since this started.
Her wanting independence, is just a nice way of her saying she wants to be free of you, and like you stated, she wants to be able to have whatever fun she wants with whomever.
Would you clarify what you mean by, “She is going to be falling out that breaks her”.
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I feel like your definition of a wayward wife is more about being lost in the fantasy of what this new life with a different partner can be like but maybe I'm just reading into it.
It's not the definition, but I'd say her fantasy is definitely a driving force. Her fantasy shifts into high gear and that's usually when she starts acting like a woman her H doesn't recognize. Waywardness starts in the mind/heart. That's why I've tried to tell people that the W doesn't have to be in an affair to be identified as a wayward wife. It starts with her mindset. Over a period of time in the relationship, there's been unresolved issues, resentments, disappointments, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc., that she's attached to her H. Those feelings can cause a woman to slowly lose respect for her H. Her feelings of being "in love" and her desire/attraction is tied to her level of respect for her H. Eventually she begins to act out in some form of rebellion. At first, it might be something so small he just shrugs it off.
By the time you came to the board, she was probably engaging in some type of inappropriate behavior. Currently, you can see your W acting out in rebellion. Waywardness is about disrespect, resentfulness, selfishness, and rebellion. Rebellion can take on many forms. You can see it in kids, teenagers, young adults, and old people. Waywardness has no age limit.
Okay, so let's look at you. You don't have to do anything we suggest, of course, but we do hope you'll consider some solutions. I often encourage the newcomer to think about his values and belief system, b/c that is essential in finding what works for him in any situation. Then, I strongly suggest you set goals. The goals are about you, and for you. Some people set wide range goals and break those down into smaller ones. You need a plan in how to get there. In other words, to say "My goal is to be a better man" is not specific. Break it down into smaller goals that build you into being the man you want to become. Does that make sense?
Some men make goals like, "My W will kiss me by the end of the month". Well, IMHO, the goal is about her. You may really desire her to kiss you........but I think it causes a H to subconsciously pursue her, trying to get that kiss. In cases such as yours, I believe you need to work on yourself, first. Before you jump off into broad goals of "being a better H", I suggest you set smaller, reachable goals of becoming a better man. You may be surprised to see how becoming a better man, is the solution to other problems.
I've seen some newcomers take on too many hard things at one time. For instance, they decide to go cold turkey on drinking, smoking, porn, sugar, and any other addictive hold in their life. It's too much to bite off together. Start small, and remember that we all reach our personal goals one day at time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
