Seperated but holding on for reconciliation

[JoeDredd]

W told me last night that she would set up her own bank account soon. So far we have been managing everything through our joint account. I told her "If that's what you need to do." W said she didn't feel she had any money of her own.

I don't know why, but this feels even worse than W taking off her wedding ring. Possibly because it really means working out a fair distribution, and that potential means arguments about who is entitled to what. I also know W will discuss it all with her mother, and that makes me feel yet again that it is not just us and that there is a shadow over things. I had the worst night's sleep I had in ages, tossing and turning and fretting.

W still hasn't said "I've made a decision", but everything seems to keep steamrolling in one direction. I don't want a D. I didn't ask because I'm still hoping she isn't there yet and I don't want to do anything to crystallise that decision in her mind.

[JoeDredd]

There are no magic bullets, Joe. Keep on focusing on the next thing, and the next thing. When you're going through hell, don't stop - keep going!

"God can save us from the furnace, but even if He doesn't, He is still God." Yeah, but I really want to be saved from the furnace.

Turmoil. I feel utterly...……..

I don't want to tell you what I feel.

Self pity, get lost.

[JoeDredd]

Sorry, ignore that. Edit window passed.

[JoeDredd]

11 months today since W moved out.

W told me she intends to D. You can apply after 12 months separation here. She didn't want it to come as a surprise in a month's time.

W made comments about how she has no animosity towards me and has been appreciative of how amicable everything has been.

Numb. No words. "Hope for the best but expect the worst."

[Illidin]

Wow Joe I haven't read your sitch but that's rough man. Hang in there I hope you can find some peace.

[JoeDredd]

Thanks Illidin. I hope you are feeling less anxious about things at the moment.

[JoeDredd]

W says she will initiate D in one month.

We had a long, fairly calm talk about it. Various gifts/things to work on -

W said I had a strong personality, whether I admit it or not. (I think I'm a walkover.) She said there was no point sharing with me how she felt about things as I would just discount her feelings, or justify my behaviour and then she would end up apologising to me. (I didn't say, but I can't remember a time I won any argument.)

She said, the familiarity crept back in during the recent times where we got together again, and things quickly reverted to how they'd always been. I (Joe) would make comments under my breath. (I will have to watch out for this. I didn't know it's even a thing I do.)

W says she is not seeking reconciliation. Too much hurt, no trust, too much work to set things right. W doesn't want to live 'in limbo' as a separated person, hence going to D. "I can't live with you and I don't want to."

W said I wasn't a bad person, just a bad husband. "I can't be married to you anymore."

It was a long talk, going on for more than an hour. I have to put my hands up to a lot of what she said about the early years of our marriage. The pain for me was that I know I have changed on the inside, changed my whole attitude, lost a lot of misdirected anger. I don't even know that guy from before, even though it was me. Without excusing myself, in some ways I feel like someone being charged with another guy's crimes. I don't even remember some of it. But I know I've been different, with a better heart, but it hasn't been seen. I can't tell her about it. If it's not even seen am I just fooling myself?

[LH19]

Joe D,

I can some up in two statements based on your last post. You are a pushover and you invalidate her feelings. Those are two MAJOR attraction killers for women. Everything else that comes out of her blow hole is WW BS.

Work on those two things along with your physical appearance and your success with women will increase dramatically.

[sandi2]

She said, the familiarity crept back in during the recent times where we got together again, and things quickly reverted to how they'd always been. I (Joe) would make comments under my breath. (I will have to watch out for this. I didn't know it's even a thing I do.)

I believe familiarity is the key word in this situation. Joe, take this as a clue to things you really need to work on. I don't mean work to get her back. I'm talking about making needed improvements on yourself, so that you will make a good partner in your relationships. It's hard to see ourselves through someone else's eyes. If you are going to help yourself, you've got to leave your W alone and let her live her life, without your interference.

W said I wasn't a bad person, just a bad husband.

Yeah, I know him..........a real nice guy.

Without excusing myself, in some ways I feel like someone being charged with another guy's crimes. I don't even remember some of it.

Oh come on! That's carrying a bit far, feeling as if you're being charged for another guy's crimes? I can't remember some of the time lines when I was wayward, but I'm still just as guilty for my actions. You are hurting and mostly feeling what you feel is the injustice of your W not giving you another chance......again. I'm sorry you are in pain, Joe, but you've got to stop making exceptions for yourself. You spent so much time trying to be heard and justify yourself during the MR, that she felt unheard and invalidated as a woman/wife. So now, if you expect to have any future happiness, you need to own your crimes, whether or not you feel like the same man. Some day, she might be able to forgive you, but it doesn't mean she'll want to live with you again. She wants to move on without you, so leave her alone.

But I know I've been different, with a better heart, but it hasn't been seen. I can't tell her about it. If it's not even seen am I just fooling myself?

She doesn't care, Joe. It doesn't change how she feels. Frankly, your words sound pretty much like the guy she described in the MR. You have been different for how long? You've had a better heart for how long? Since October? What did it take for you to open your eyes? Losing her? You are feeling sorry for yourself b/c she hasn't seen this change? Let me tell you something I've seen. You've been too focused on doing what you believed would get her back, to hear much of what's said to you. She's had years with the nice guy who was a bad husband. So, no.......you can't tell her how you're a changed man! A wife, even a WW, knows when there has been an authentic change in the man. Even if she saw an authentic change, there is no guarantee it will heal all the years of hurt. Do you get it? No matter how much you change, it doesn't undo the past. She said there had been too much hurt. So, respect her enough to stop pressuring her.

[JoeDredd]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks for your honest and direct feedback. I agree with pretty much everything you said. Keep your Joe-kicking boots handy, I'm sure we'll need them again.

Since W and I talked on Saturday I have feel lost. Before, it felt like the W was just away. Now it really feels like she is gone, and never coming back. The house feels so small and I don't want to be here. It feels like a dead end. W has gone and I want to go too. I know, I know. Just journaling. I need to get it out on the page.

I believe familiarity is the key word in this situation. Joe, take this as a clue to things you really need to work on. I don't mean work to get her back. I'm talking about making needed improvements on yourself, so that you will make a good partner in your relationships.

Understood.

It's hard to see ourselves through someone else's eyes.

This. It's the things you don't know you do, that others have a problem with, that you don't know need addressing unless they're pointed out.

If you are going to help yourself, you've got to leave your W alone and let her live her life, without your interference.

Yes.

Without excusing myself, in some ways I feel like someone being charged with another guy's crimes. I don't even remember some of it.

Oh come on! That's carrying a bit far

Yes, I agree. I put my hands up to all of it. I know I would act differently in those circumstances now. My mindset has changed. But that irrelevant. I look back in horror at decisions I've made, things I've done or not done. I am guilty as charged. Really, W has been a thousand instances of grace in our relationship. She's had the patience of a saint. I'd like to kick myself down the road. So many regrets, but I can't go back. I can only work to be better, learn from the experience and not do the same things over again. I would really like the chance to make it all up to W, but realistically it seems this is going to be a shut door on bad times not a process leading to happier times. I am still aiming to be that man that only a fool would leave, but it's got to be for me.

You have been different for how long? You've had a better heart for how long?

Starting from January 2018.

What did it take for you to open your eyes? Losing her?

Yes. As MWD says "That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."

A wife, even a WW, knows when there has been an authentic change in the man. Even if she saw an authentic change, there is no guarantee it will heal all the years of hurt. Do you get it? No matter how much you change, it doesn't undo the past. She said there had been too much hurt. So, respect her enough to stop pressuring her.

Yes.