a new normal

[may22]

Cardinal, KG, thank you... it did feel good to find that stupid playlist deleted. Maybe a teeny bit discomfiting, because I had that as something to point to as "he isn't ready to talk about the A" and also I kind of fed a bit of my obsessiveness by checking to see if certain songs were on there. Now I can't do that anymore.

We were in the car together last weekend and playing music, I was going through the playlists and found one full of like exercise/dance music that was shared with one follower. (I think this is the other one I had originally seen but doesn't have any love songs on it so wasn't that worried about it.) I said hey, you have another playlist on here with a follower, he looked at it and said sorry, go ahead and delete it. So I did. No drama.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to not be able to talk about it with H. I mean, it's not like we talk about it everyday, but once a week or so we have a convo about how we each are feeling and or dealing with all the baggage surrounding. Sometimes I think that it would be easier not to hear about WS heartache, but I think if we can stay calm and validate their feelings it could bring some comfort.

It was really hard at first. The last few weeks, not so much. I find myself thinking about the A less and less. When I do, there isn't the same level of pain attached to it. There are these scenes I have in my head of the two of them together and even when I kind of purposefully linger on thinking about it/her it just doesn't have the same sting. Like, what's past is past, can't do anything about it now, what matters is what is happening now and in the future.

Another big part of wanting to talk was that I was also very anxious to feel all the feels and know all I needed to know NOW rather than wait. I was worried that dragging it all out would be damaging to me, that I'd sink right back to feeling how I felt in the lowest points once I finally find out all the answers to my questions (which really aren't all that big of a deal: how did you communicate, did you see her anywhere/anytime besides the times I know about, did he buy her any gifts, does he have any mementos, photos, emails, letters, whatever of her remaining). Plus I still want him to delete her from Instagram and block/delete her phone number and email address, and of course burn any $hit he might have from her that I don't know about (right, KG?? You know you want to too!!).

But I know it isn't all that big of a deal, really. He is barely on social media and when I had snooped on her IG from his phone way back when, she barely ever posted anyway. And at some point I do want to know the full story of what happened when he ended it with her beyond what he's already shared. (He has told me what they talked about, what he said and what she said, but I still want to know the details around it, like where did they meet, how long did they talk, was there any physical contact, etc. Just the facts, ma'am!)

But now, I actually do think that while it is still likely to dredge up a lot of bad feelings for me when we get there, and if it were 100% up to me I would have preferred to have pulled off the bandaid all at once, there is value to have built up all these good feelings and connections between us over the last three months. Maybe I am in a better and stronger place to hear about these things than I was back in January or February. And I feel that he is also in a better place. The rawness and intensity of his feelings about breaking off the AP are if not gone, severely reduced. The defensiveness and quick anger if it comes up is gone. Even just looking at the emotions around the Spotify playlist, it went from him feeling defensive and a weird need to elaborate on how strong his feelings were for the AP when it came up to now the only emotion I really detect is more like embarrassment.

All in all, we are doing really well. The romance part is still baby steps/slow but I've lost some of my fear that it will never come back. I feel it is more dormant than dead, tiny leaves starting to emerge. And we are closer, I feel, than we've probably ever been, excepting maybe when we were first married/before kids. He's really been amazing during this whole quarantine. He's pulling more than his own weight around the house, making me lunch and bringing it to me when I'm on a call; he probably does 75% of the distance learning duty; he makes dinner more than half the time, does the grocery shopping, and is just NICE. Things that he used to get annoyed at me for he now can just say hey babe can you do (whatever) and I can say oh sure sorry and that is it. He planned and facilitated a wonderful Mother's Day weekend last weekend, with beach walks with the girls and an at-home spa day, breakfast in bed, all the cooking and cleanup all weekend, special cocktails, backrubs.

Of course now I'm wondering if I should start pushing talking about the A again... but I went back through my journal and here and I'd committed to waiting out the quarantine as I'd agreed. So I think I'll just be grateful for what I have right now, focus on being in the moment, and continue to give him time on this one.

I bet you are SOOO ready for this pandemic to end. Being stuck in the house with a WFH situation and all the kids would drive me insane! Hopefully soon.

I feel guilty about this but actually... this has been such an incredible time. Like amazing. So much fun with the kids, no running around to soccer and swimming and work, taking turns cooking new and sometimes complicated dishes, lots of fun new cocktails, connecting on zoom with friends and family from around the country, taking advantage of the zero tourists where we live to go hiking and swimming (properly socially distanced of course)... my younger daughter calls the space on my lap when I'm at the computer the "cuddle zone" and pops in when I'm working all the time. I love it. I want to work from home forever. And I'm lucky in that our community has taken this very seriously and kept the numbers very, very low, so most of the local anxiety is around the economic downturn and how to keep the numbers down rather than the fear some of my friends have who live in places more severely impacted.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I do miss seeing friends and going to the beach and pool and restaurants and all the rest. But since we can't do that right now, I'm just loving what we do get in its place. I do have an undercurrent of guilt since we are so lucky to have a situation like this and so many other people are facing such anxious and tragic circumstances.

Virtual hugs to all my board peeps. Hang in there. Let's all have G&Ts tonight in honor of each other, shall we??