As usual, I'm right there with you, Kindly. I've been thinking about your other recent post since I read it, in which you said you were feeling angry and disgusted with your H's behavior. And this:
Originally Posted by Kindly
The last few days I’ve been really struggling with compassion. Like what the f is he angry about!!??? I know it’s not about me but I’m the one that’s been blind sided, cheated on, treated like dog dirt, accused of awful things, all because he can’t express his feelings?
And this:
Originally Posted by Kindly
This monstering behaviour with a quick flip to complete normalcy is really weighing me. I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think...but I’m allowing it to sink my self esteem and rational thought when I hear or see him interacting with his family or friends as if everything is 100 % normal.
I could have written the exact same things on the day you wrote them. Since my H's angry outburst a couple of weeks ago, I've both reached a new level of indifference but also disgust, if that makes sense, and the feelings come and go. I no longer have the urge to make small talk with him, because of the things he said to me and the way he said them. Because of the way he continues to treat me, as if the outburst didn't happen.
The word disgust has stuck with me. I hadn't realized that's partly what I've been feeling sometimes too. Disgust that he could not only decide to end the M suddenly and in his actions blame me, but that he could make this process so ugly. It doesn't have to be, because we (you and me and others here) are willing to try to be kind and compassionate even if it's not what we want. Because maybe in some way we're also willing to honor the past relationship/friendship we had with the WAS, to look beyond the way they're acting out now. Like strangers.
And I've been overhearing more of those convos where H is laughing and pretending everything is normal. I also think his attitude is the same as your H's--i.e. I am making this so difficult for him. Which has me wanting to say all of those things you wrote above, along with, "Why are you so angry? What did I do--want to work on the M? Try to own my faults? Apologize wholeheartedly to you?"
All of these questions may be useless to ask them, because we know they don't know, can't now do the work to look within, can't figure out what's going on inside of them; the shorthand is it's just us, we're what's wrong. It makes so much sense that they have to project the things they don't like/can't face about themselves onto us. Of course we are the only ones in their lives being blamed for every problem! But I still think knowing this and feeling this are two different things. Doesn't mean our self-esteem doesn't sometimes take a hit, doesn't mean we can't work on building it right back up. Still, the urge to confront them with all of these questions is there. I hear you.
I'm so sorry your H crashed back in with his irrational thinking. After the break you had, it makes sense that you're feeling on edge and sad. I bet if you ride those feelings, another wave of indifference will come. I was sitting in my room while H talked on the phone to friends, allowing myself for a minute to remember the way things used to be, feeling lonely, and then I saw your post. It made me feel less alone. I hope my reply makes you feel less alone.
I'm re-reading this from DnJ:
Originally Posted by DnJ
His behaviour and the facade he shows, yeah some people do go along with it. You know better. Still, it takes a while for one’s self esteem to not be affected. As I said you know; it’s your feelings that are still catching up to that understanding. The compassion, the struggle.
We'll get there. (((Kindly))) Can you go outside for a bit and get away from H? Take a short walk?
