Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D

[HaWho]

KML - thanks for the reach out! I was just thinking of you because I remembered something you suggested to me in the midst of my ex’s MLC and I wanted to tell you I am pretty sure you were right.

A few years into our marriage I accidentally cut the back of my calf, an inch long cut but not deep. My ex was all over this and kept suggesting I see someone to fix it as it would scar. And even after it did scar he was always on me to fix it. It was bizarre to me as it was no big deal. I never even see it as it’s on the back of my leg! I remembered it only because my new guy, when he saw the scar, said “what a great scar! What’s the story behind it?” And that was so vastly opposite to my ex who always, now I realize, wanted me “perfect.” And this was something you picked up on.

Yes, all are healthy in my world, thank goodness.

I am still dating the same guy. We have taken up biking as that is Covid friendly. We were up to 40 miles/week, spread out over 3 bike rides. I am down in SoCal like you, but further south I gather. So we usually bike from Carlsbad to Leucadia, order take out and bike over to the beach where we eat on a park bench. He brings a speaker that he puts on his bike (where the water bottle goes) and throughout we listen to a great playlist he puts together. Last week, the music drew a few other bikers to stop by our bench, pause by the ocean, strike up a conversation with us and thank him for providing the vibes.

He is an easy person with whom to get along. I am thankful for that after my ex.

This week one of our pickleball courts we play at opened up. We have come back to the courts and play w/masks. That is no easy feat. But it is great seeing friends again and I am just thankful to be able to play.

The guy has kind of joked about marriage, saying my sisters will want him to put a ring on it someday and I have joked back saying no, that is the last thing my married sisters would want as in fact they are jealous of my freedom! No Disney view of marriage being the be all end all to happiness is happening here! After running what felt like a three legged race with a maniac of an ex, I quite like the arrangement of having the freedom and flexibility to come and go as I please. Plus my support is quite solid from my ex and I have zero interest in tampering with that.

He intimates maybe we will live together in the future. It is just not on my radar. I am happy as is. I married too young and was quite sheltered as a teen so I have no interest in being bound again. Plus blending families is complicated. Plus support. I want to keep things light.

As I have mentioned in the past his son and I hit it off. The boy is grateful for anything I do for him and it makes it easy to want to do more for him. The guy’s daughter who is 19 is a little tougher. And sadly, there is some trauma there from her mom which makes me have a lot of compassion for her. This r has taken more work on my part. I have tried different strategies to try to build something with her. She works overtime not to accept anyone into her dad’s life. When I say something funny and everyone laughs she actually works hard not to laugh. Poor thing is cutting off her nose to spite her face. And losing the joy of laughter to boot!

But things have improved. Just before Covid struck, she had a friend over who cooked us all an amazing vegan meal. This friend was a few years older and vastly more mature. She took the time to get to know me over the meal. And we really hit it off. Actually, I can get along with most anyone which was a sharp contrast to my ex who always had people that avoided socializing with him.

Anyway, the friend stayed visiting for a weekend and we saw her for a few more meals. The daughter left to go be by herself during the meals and my guy, this friend and I sat around laughing and talking. At one point he went and asked his daughter why she was by herself and she said no one was paying attention to her. She is quite immature. He told her she needed to make her presence known as none of us were going to beg her to join us. She opted to stay by herself. Her loss. But when the friend left the daughter did. become warmer towards me. Something changed. Either she saw that I am no witch as her friend and I had no difficulties getting along or maybe her friend even told her some positives about me?

Since then things have been easier with her. There’s really no reason for things to be strained other than her creating them.

I still have not introduced my kids to him. I just feel they needed a lot of time to heal especially given that my ex married his mistress before the ink was dry on the divorce. Sheesh. I am thinking maybe end of the summer? And I do want to show them a different sort of man and a contrast to the r my ex has with his mistress/wife. Pretty sure he got a you g thing he can boss around. My ex has gotten quite machismo and opinionated and insecure. This guy is very secure and has no desire to assert his ego into situations. It would be good for my two boys to see that kind of man. And it’s refreshing!

I have a friend I see weekly or so for walks (6 feet apart with masks) or we meet at one of our houses and sit outside 6 feet from each other. She is part of my “quaranteam.”

All in all, things are pretty good so far.