I'm not sure I believe in soul mates. I think marriages are hard work no matter who you're with, just much, much harder with people like my H who have personality disorders or other serious mental health problems disguised by a 'normal' facade. I would settle quite happily with someone decent who I got on well with. I had a boyfriend once whose mum was married to a very boring but kind man and clearly far below her in many ways. I always wondered what the attraction was, now I wonder if his dad was something like my H and she just settled for a M without constant fireworks and drama! But all this is theoretical, I have not met someone and although I would like to date and have fun, any serious R is a way off for me. I know what my minimum standard is, my H has not met it for a very long time.
I had a phone call with the lawyer this morning, felt reassured afterwards that if H is hiding money then it would probably come out, and that I will get a decent settlement, maybe with a clean break of us splitting everything 50/50. He also said that if H is making noises about retiring then any judge would tell him to think again! He cannot afford to retire if we D, unless he has a rich mistress somewhere waiting for him to move in. It would not shock me somehow. H has always been conservative with money and financial security has always been hugely important to him, so it's hard to believe he would willingly give away that for the sake of D, but then this is not normal H. The lawyer advised me to sit tight and wait to hear about the payout before doing anything, just in case I spook H into hiding it somehow. He also said that if H stops work and has no plans to work in the future then that would be the best time to D, since otherwise H could fritter away lots of money and thereby reduce my settlement. Things to consider. I can wait till September for a D on the basis of separation for 2 years if H agrees, if he doesn't then the basis would be unreasonable behaviour. The D process seems to take a long time and will get longer with covid.
I got very triggered earlier when I checked our account and H has again taken cash out. Different scenarios going through my mind: he's siphoning off money into his other account (most likely), he's got a drug habit (unlikely but possible), he has a prostitute habit (very unlikely but possible), I'm both extremely anxious about this cash withdrawal thing and trying to see the funny side. I know his bank account details and he can't hide that money, but it's small beer compared with the huge amount we will have to split up if it goes to D. So I will shut my mouth and play the long game. It is very difficult to know where the line is between being passive (always a defect of mine, one I am working on) and patience (not my strong suit but also one I am cultivating). Ds1 has made up with H so we will go see him this weekend, mostly so I can get the info I need. H has been very quiet other than the builder stuff, I assume he is negotiating the payout and focusing on that. He says he's coming back here next week, to see his friend (he only has one really) and to go to his other house. I wonder if it is to clear it out so he can move out of there? He can't justify the vast rent when he has no income and isn't living there, even he is not that stupid. I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop once the payout is sorted. I'm expecting an announcement like he's moving in with his mistress or buying a house or something (he can't afford that). I don't know what the alternative is, him living full time in our other house? He won't want that either. So he will have to get another job even though he doesn't want one. I'm preparing so that I can trigger D if I need to, the one thing I will do is protect myself financially. I will be patient in the meantime. I have options, I have control here.
