This is Oceangrl! I'm here!

[Oceangl]

OG,

The fact that he is turning down sex is very bizarre unless he's got something going on on the side. My guess is he is emotionally immature and expects to get the same feelings from your marriage as he did the affair. Affairs are secretative, exciting and dangerous and the feeling you get is like a drug. You guys have been together for a really long time so the reality is that he is not going to get that high he is looking for right now.

You really have two options:

1. Wait it out and do 180s, detach and GAL and see if he comes around. Most people suffer immensely in this scenario because they are watching their spouse like a puppy dog at a table for waiting for scraps.

2. You separate making clear that you need some time to figure out what you want and that you will be treating this like a real seperation. You don't have to date if you don't want but you need to make it clear that it's an option.

Statistically speaking men are less happy then women after divorce so you have that in your favor.

It's very important that you stop trying to argue your point and validate his feelings because you are in no way going to be able to convince him of anything right now.

Good luck!

I think you have really zeroed in on it, whether I like it or not, this is what I am facing. I spoke to my sister on the phone last night (my family has been so supportive of him even though he really didn't deserve it). She told me she has seen me work so hard on myself and the marriage for the past three years. She literally didn't know what else I could do. She thinks he is trying to force me to file by making it miserable for me so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy." He has a serious fear of being the bad guy.

And I hear you, I need to stop arguing my points. It doesn't matter anyway. When this started, he would make a complaint about me/the marriage and I would see his point. I would think, "okay, uncomfortable but fair. I need to work on that." Now, he is just making stuff up. Like throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks. His last complaint was that if he wants me to do something (something big, not the dishes lol) I have to think about it. Um, okay? I am a processor, and usually I say yes. He is looking for things that are wrong.

For a guy to commit to no sex, that is a big red flag as you guys have pointed out also. Especially when in spite of our problems we had a good sex life before that. It was so weird and sudden. He was taking testosterone as a supplement and stopped taking it -- I assume to make sure to lessen the temptation.