The other spouse should not text the LBS wanting photos of the kids, asking the LBS if the kids are okay (as if the LBS is incapable of taking care of them). The LBS should not respond to any photos or funnies the other spouse sends. This may feel too rigged for some newcomers, but once the other spouse stops dumping garbage on the LBS and consistently acts civil, then the LBS can always lighten up a little........so to speak.
Sandi you know I have struggled with this so much. Many of the reasons my WAW gave me were lack of intimacy and support as well as lack of time alone when my attention is 100% on her. This means to show her the changes when she initiates contact, such as sending me a picture of S1, I respond nicely and in a loving way. However, it is when I show myself confident, happy, strong and busy when I see her looking back. It has taken me months to learn a basic truth but oh boy is it true.
So I left the children yesterday with her and I am seriously surprised how well I validated her. Our conversation revolved around these topics.
> She told me she wants to go back to the separation agreement and have the children longer for the sake of stability. She went on to talk about how she probably missed them more and could sacrifice herself more for them because sometimes I go running and leave them with my sister and she has all the maternal instinct.
I calmly told her I miss them same or more but that I understand what for her is now stability and routine. I told her I signed that agreement on a very poor emotional situation and I no longer believe in it I said I want us to be a family and happy and I am willing to put on the work but she has chosen divorce and missing the children half our lives is our future if we go along that path. I told her traveling for work or going out to exercise does not make me less of a devoted father.
> She insisted that I have not changed and that if I really love her I need professional psychiatrist help because it is not normal to hurt someone you love so much.
I told her I am receiving professional help because I am very serious about being a new, better and happy man in this new stage of my life. I said it is no excuse or justification but I have had many issues with money in my previous years. I was negative and focused on making money to improve the life of our kids, I am sorry I behaved that way and I understand her suffering and if the future has a chance for us I will make sure I make it up to her.
> She told me, tears in her eyes, there is no need to compensate, just to truly love. Then she went on to repeat all things I did wrong in our early marriage.
I validated her, I told her I was not proud of the man I was and I do not want to go there again.
> She made a comment that I understand our separation was necessary.
I agreed
> She said my jealousy was an issue and she was free to be with anyone she wanted if not with me.
I told her I was immature and only wanted to know if her heart was in a place where she could feel love for me again. But of course she is free to do all she pleases
> before leaving she said she cannot be with me all of a sudden, she said she would only give us a chance because of the children.
I told her if ever she felt she could work on the M, I would make sure to take it slowly and towards a new, different relationship. I kissed my children goodbye and walked away feeling proud of all I am learning here.
I could feel she did not want to leave, she was emotional towards me and she came closer to me when talking (it is WILDLY incredible what self respect and distance make for the LBS). However, I woke up today feeling an idiot and crying this morning. I saw some light, but it was an illusion. I do not want a chance because of my children, I want her to know I am her best option, full stop and I will not be a part time father no matter what she thinks stability means. Sometimes I feel she just wont let her come back to me because of pride, what a shame for our two little demons.
Back to GAL, self respect and letting her go. I think she is starting to get a taste of what divorce means and it is not sweet, I will let her swallow it alone.
Btw, you are the professional help I meant, my psychologist in Munich was only focused on making me happy in a life without W as if I was dependent on her and I did not enjoy it. To me is experience what makes a professional and this is a place full of experience. Please keep helping me and commenting here.
Why do I get blocked when she talks to me and then all comes so clear in my mind the day after?
I guess I need more healing, space and boundaries. On a side note, I think W liked my new clothes
Last edited by Pack_19; 05/15/2011:52 AM.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
