Oh yes, it is validating and heartening. My friend's response to XH accusing me of spreading lies and slander: "Scout wouldn't do that. It's not who she is." Just as people see the real XH, they also see the real me.
One thing that used to upset me when we argued during our marriage was his tendency to force untrue motivations on me. I didn't feel heard or understood. Now I believe he was projecting his own worldview and assuming that I operated the same way as him.
Getting off track here, but I've been reading some old threads from DB posters - ginger, JujuB, painter - and reflecting on my past. The further removed I get from the marriage, the more I realise I escaped an unhealthy situation. I won't deny that I loved XH wholeheartedly because that's who I am, and that's how I love.
But time and therapy has reframed my view of our relationship.
XH is a violent person. Before we moved in together, he famously injured his hand punching a brick wall when he lost a video game. His temper was a running joke amongst friends. Another time, while playing a video game with friends and someone caused his team to lose, he pushed that person down and screamed in his face to "f*cking kill himself because you're f*cking useless". Years later, that friend told me he had to go for a walk so he wouldn't burst into tears and/or punch XH. When we first moved in together, XH punched a hole in a door when he lost a video game. After S2 was born, he smashed his keyboard to pieces screaming in anger when he lost a video game. Spotting a theme here...?
Even though his anger was not directed at me, it frightened me. He would, however, get angry at me for withdrawing in fear. His defense was that anger was his expression of emotion, and that I should accept and support him through it because he did the same for me whenever I was upset and crying. When I pointed out that my tears didn't frighten him, he became even angrier. I suppose he may have felt guilty? Once S2 was born, I told him that I would not allow the baby to be exposed to his anger, and I would take S2 to my parents' house if it ever happened again. It did happen again - he threw a bag of groceries across the kitchen, I don't even remember the circumstances. Why didn't I leave?
I don't want to throw the word 'abuse' around lightly. But it makes my skin crawl that the man who viciously called me a bitch and a whore in front of our infant child could turn up for the next visit and giggle with my neighbour and sweetly wish us a happy easter. The level of compartmentalisation and disassociation required to backflip like that is horrifying. I'm willing to bet that XH sees me unable to meet his eyes and thinks it's an admission of guilt. It's not - it's disgust and fear. It's like I've seen beneath the mask into terrifying blankness. It's a similar feeling I got when watching the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix. Like there's nothing there. I don't doubt that XH loved me, or that he loves S2. But it isn't my understanding of love. His love was shallow, and thus easily disconnected.
I asked my sister recently if she missed XH. She said he was fun to be around, but all he ever told her was jokes and instructions on how to fix her life (she's a musical theatre producer - low-paying passion career). My other sister told me she always felt judged by XH about her finances and her choice of low-paying passion career (social worker). XH would brag about our standing in life and how far ahead we were compared to our friends. I'd often remind him that people had different priorities to us. We had a mortgage and retirement plans and life insurance and our friends had Uber Eats, nightclubs and limited edition sneakers. And that was okay. He would just scoff. He truly believed he was better than them.
XH will be 30 this year. After paying off debt, he made a net profit of just $30k from the settlement. He has been outed as a cheater and abandoner to his family, friends and colleagues. For a man who worshipped money and status, he has fallen very far. I see his recent decisions to move OW into his house, involve her in child exchanges, and introduce her to his family as a desperate attempt to legitimise something that is sordid and embarrassing. It's image management. Further compartmentalisation. Brush it all under the rug and express outrage at anyone who holds him to task for it. Chump Lady says cheaters and narcs have three mindf*ck channels - rage, charm, self-pity. This rings true for XH.
