Doing my thing & keeping a smile

[may22]

You’re right, I’m still mulling over this. On one hand I love his parents and I do want to see them also. On the other hand, I don’t want to be part of his lie and play house with him. I thought about telling him to take the kids and visit his parents. I’ll just stay put. He can say whatever he wants to say to them about my absence. I think that I should not be the one to break the news to his parents. Am I right on this? Because 1) I don’t want his parents to have heart attack 2) his emotional state seems unstable for such a shock from me.

Yes, I think it is his deal to tell his parents. You might want to separately converse with them (I had several long talks with my H's mom after H disclosed the A to her and the possibility he was leaving, which I'm very glad about as I think his side of the story was like "we've grown apart, things hadn't been good for a long time, I met someone who really loves me (implication being May does not)" and when I clarified my stand she was an amazing support person for me to talk to). But I think this is his deal and not your job to clean up his mess or explain anything away to his family. Also, they'll always be your family because of the kids, so I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunity to see them in the future.

When he came by last night, I thought about his visit too. I’m leaning towards waiting until I see D papers to draw the line- keys back, don’t come by to hang out with the kids, take the kids to your place if you wanna spend time with them.

This sounds like your boundary, then, which is good. Also for him to get all his stuff out of your house and start washing his own clothes!!

In my case because my MLCer does have suicidal tendencies, I want to be as gentle going about things as I can. Or maybe there is no difference??

I'm not 100% sure what you mean by being gentle. Being as nice as possible until he sends the D papers and then you go dark? I almost feel like making sure he is aware of what the consequences are of his decision so it isn't an enormous shock might be the gentler route... which would mean NOT going with him on this visit would actually be kinder as it will give him some better sense of what he is really doing. I think what you want to avoid is everything is hunky-dory till the day you get the papers and then his life plunges into the abyss-- I could imagine that being pretty difficult, especially knowing that he was responsible for all of it.