Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[may22]

FWIW, my H also swore up and down that he could never even *imagine* having sex with me again after the SSM and that I "broke him" sexually. He said that he had this major block around it just like your H. And then we did have sex, but exactly like your H said it didn't feel right (plus every time he'd be all mopey and guilty afterward). Now it isn't a problem anymore. (I'd like it more frequently, but I'm not pushing.)

Remember-- you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. (And you DIDN'T break him due to the SSM. That is BS. You are not solely responsible for the SSM and the factors that lead up to it are incredibly common. "How I made him feel..." stop. Don't let him do this to you.)

I'm glad you are having some positive work with your IC-- keep that up. I hope your H does the same and figures his $hit out. (Mine may be in better touch with his own emotions now, but he's been in IC weekly for a year and a half.) But-- your H needs to do that work himself. There is nothing you can do. This is all on him and it is not within your control. He needs to decide on his own that he's committed to figuring out his problem and what kind of life he wants to have, what kind of dad and partner he wants to be. If chasing that feeling of limerence or sparky sex or whatever is so important to him that he'd give up his wife and family to chase it... UGH. Honestly. Is that someone you want to be married to anyway?

I think you want and deserve an H who is willing to put in the hard work when the going gets tough, is committed to working together with you through problems and finding solutions as a team. I honestly believe that the spark can come back if you both are committed to finding it. But if one of the two of you (him) can't make that commitment and doesn't really believe it can come back... then I don't think it can. It takes two. He has to be in that place for you guys to actually R and I don't think he is there yet.

Finally-- he's demonstrated over and over when you lean out, he leans in. It seems like he gets scared of losing you and the family life-- that is clearly very important to him. Would it help to think about this in another way? By responding every time he leans in to you, you are enabling his continued waffling. Not only is it more painful for you, but it is just extending this limbo because he is reassured that you're still there and he can lean back out and stare at his belly button and obsess over whether he's making the right decision or not... without any consequences. It really is very selfish and I'm mad at him on your behalf.

The vets all say you have to let him go in order for him to maybe come back. That he has to experience the full depth of consequences of his decision to realize what is at stake and what he's losing. And that many WSs do, but by the time they come to that realization the LBS has already moved on and doesn't want them back. I know that it might seem hypocritical for me to be preaching this, since this wasn't the route that I followed. But-- while I didn't kick him out, I did ask him to go and he refused. I was very clear he could go, I wasn't stopping him, and I was actively planning my life without him and researching divorce. I made it crystal clear what he'd be losing if he walked. I found my boundary (which for me was him actually leaving) and stuck to it. I never, ever wavered on what he would lose. I set a deadline and I backed off and let him figure it out in his own way. (All with the help of this board-- letting him go to end his A and not actually knowing what he was going to happen was one of the hardest things I've ever done.) And of course, we aren't really piecing yet, in my opinion, and there is a giant pile of issues we need to deal with. But things continue to improve, and I do believe he made that decision to commit to the M and all that entails.