I think you need lay aside the thoughts of being her friend, or seeing it as a channel of restoring the relationship. How can you be a friend to someone who rejects you? Think about it. Have you ever pursued a person to be friends, when that person wanted nothing to do with you? You cannot be friends with someone who hates you and uses every opportunity to make digs and throw hurtful remarks in your face. You have to show self respect, and not follow her around when she's speaking badly, giving you the cold shoulder, etc. You tried being friendly, in times past, and she reacted even worse. Therefore, time & space is needed before she will be ready to conduct herself in a calm, respectable manner. If she heals from the bitterness she holds in her heart, then perhaps it will be possible to become friends, but I think it will take her a long time to let go of her anger.
I don't think you'll see change in her for a couple of years, if she is not in therapy trying to heal. I realize 6 months feels forever to you, but by all accounts.....she is not processing her thoughts/feelings in a healthy way. She continues to verbally bash you, and it gets her nowhere. She may never get beyond this point with you, b/c she wants you to hurt and letting go of her anger would be like letting you escape pain free.
Sandi,
What do you mean by this? Can you explain it in more detail?
IMHO, whenever there is a case where the other spouse is extremely angry and uses every opportunity to bash the LBS, there needs to be a period of cooling off. It may take months, years, or never, b/c the other spouse refuses to let go of their anger or seek help in healing. This cooling off period applies for the spouse who blows up over the least thing, and the LBS never knows what temperament is going to show up. The LBS is the one on the receiving end as the other spouse unleashes their rage. There seems to be nothing the LBS can do to change the other spouse's angry outbursts. To me, it seems very illogical for the LBS to believe they can be the other spouse's BFF under these conditions.......and I have to ask why would anyone want to be friends with someone who treats them so badly.
I've stated my opinion about this many times. I think couples mess up by thinking of their MR as if it were a friendship. When I accepted my H's proposal of M, I was not seeking a new friend. I already had many friends. However, I was not in love with any of my friends. My future H was in a unique category that only one person could fill. Now, to be fair, I think I understand what people mean by saying they are trying to be friends with the spouse who wants out of the M. But I have a big problem with the LBS trying to be the other spouse's friend, while accepting a trashcan full of bad treatment in return. It goes against human nature. Human beings don't want to be a real friend to someone they can kick around, b/c they have no respect for that person. See what I mean? They may let that person hang around from time to time, and they will use that person whenever they want them to do something.......but it is not a true friendship.
After there has been a cooling off period, the stormy waters have ceased......and the other spouse has ceased their attack, the LBS may be able to conduct themselves in a friend-ly manner whenever there is a legit reason to have contact. Depending on the circumstances of the sitch, a level of "friendship" may begin to develop. I think the problem many LBH's have, is his definition of being his W's friend is quite different than her definition......especially while her treatment toward him is so bad. As long as she lashes out in anger, verbally disrespects, tries to manipulate, etc.........I think he should resign himself to a civil approach, rather than trying to be her buddy. Does that make sense? The bottom line is respect. The LBS must demonstrate self-respect, in order for the other spouse to respect them.
So how does a LBS cope with the other spouse who won't interact civilly? The LBS must have effective boundaries in place, based on their core values. The LBS must stop being available 24/7, and drop the emotional rope they have tied to the other spouse. All contact with/from the other spouse, should be on a business level. Don't respond to texts/emails/calls from the other spouse. I use to say the exception is when it's about the kids, but I've learned that LBS's abuse that exception to death!! If it is a true emergency, a text indicating an emergency isn't that hard.
When children are involved, there needs to be a calendar or set schedule indicating when the children will be in the care of each spouse. I don't know if it's called child/parent visitation (that term doesn't sound right to me) or whatever the modern term is, but you know what I mean, right? There should also be a regular set time for the other spouse to contact the children when they are in the care of the LBS. The other spouse should not text the LBS wanting photos of the kids, asking the LBS if the kids are okay (as if the LBS is incapable of taking care of them). The LBS should not respond to any photos or funnies the other spouse sends. This may feel too rigged for some newcomers, but once the other spouse stops dumping garbage on the LBS and consistently acts civil, then the LBS can always lighten up a little........so to speak.
I want something understood here. This is not to be seen as a punishment or tit-for-tat. It's about the LBS detaching from a highly emotional person who continues to disrespect them. We often say that you can't nice them back. That's referring to a spouse who wants out of the MR without justified caused (abuse, imprisonment, no support, etc.). The other spouse has no selfish hidden agenda, no third party is in the picture, no behaving like GGW, etc. IMHO, the only way the LBS could work toward being a friend with the other spouse, is when the LBS is obviously the offender, instead of the offended party. Make sense? The majority of cases on the board, are about betrayed LBS.......who are being treated awful by the other spouse. When this is the case, I don't recommend trying to act like their BFF, b/c of the lack of respect factor. The LBS should set guidelines and boundaries.....so that s/he is not constantly ambushed by the other spouse. Give the other spouse time and space to cool off. The problem for most LBS is they see a few days as time & space, and unfortunately, it's nothing close to what is needed. So, don't lower your standards and self-respect in order to be a buddy of the other spouse, when they are treating you terribly.
I don't know if I explained myself much better in this post, but I hope I did.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If it is a true emergency, a text indicating an emergency isn't that hard.
