This is Oceangrl! I'm here!

[SteveLW]

Here is where you may need to check yourself. Because a lot of us LBSs are willing to take any attention we can get from our WAS, even negative. It is a vicious cycle:

1. The LBS finally decides to work on giving time and space, and backs off.
2. The WAS feels something has changed, and is out of their control, and wants to find out what is going on, so they start a MR discussion.
3. The discussion ends up being the WAS giving their litany of reasons why they are leaving, again.
4. The LBS is thrilled that the WAS is taking an action, even thought they've heard it all before.
5. The LBS engages with the WAS too much, instead of just listening and validating, which reassures the WAS that the LBS is still attached, and in their control.
6. After the discussion the LBS starts feeling bad about themselves again because the WAS made it clear that they still intend to leave. The LBS is upset that the same complaints were voiced again. The LBS also feels guilty for not applying DB principles and vows to do better.
7. Go back up to #1.

Um, yeah. I know that cycle.

I know all his complaints well. I could give his speech. Right now he says he can be roommates with me, he doesn't have to file. He feels like I should be grateful because he isn't sleeping upstairs, etc. He says if I want, he can just stay with me until the kids are gone as he doesn't believe we will be happy with just the two of us.

There's something fishy about that to me. Is it about the pains of child support? Our youngest is 11. It's hard for me to believe he is going to go without sex (by his choice) until our youngest is 18. I sure as heck don't want to.

So I am working on the DB techniques I need to get better at for my own survival and value. I just don't want to be "roommates" for seven years. I think that s*cks. Right now I keep a clean house, take care of kids, take care of my body and keep it fit, support his career and hobbies. He says he likes everything about me, my personality, is attracted to me, but just doesn't feel that emotional connection. From my viewpoint, he works hard to make sure there is no connection. 24 years, but whatever.

First, as a guy, emotional connection is rarely a requirement for a man to have sex. In fact, we men use sex to create that emotional connection. So I think you are onto something being fishy. Considering his history, outlined in your signature, I think there is an A going on. Whether it is just an EA right now, or has been a PA in the past, obviously no one knows. But as a guy that has a fairly high libido, yeah I cannot imagine him being completely without a sexual outlet at all, and agreeing for it to be that way for next 7 years. I can also tell you, as a guy that has had EAs himself, that child support absolutely is a consideration in how those EAs are handled. Or even how a PA would be handled based on my knowledge of other people's PAs. So I think you are spot on and right to feel something is fishy. And that this lack of emotional connection is an excuse he is using.

So my question is....what does Oceangl want? Yes I know, you want your marriage to be whole and better and for your husband to be committed to it and working on it with you. Okay, so you can't have that because a basic rule in life is we only get control of one human-being, and we don't even get the choice of which human-being that is! Because it is ourselves. So if you can't have the ideal, what would you next like? A sexless, affectionless, loveless marriage for the next 7 years until the youngest is 18 and your WAH/WH can leave scot-free with no financial constraints? Or do you want to be valued, loved, cherished, honored and appreciated? To be fulfilled intellectually, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually? Do you want to continue with the way things have been for 6+ years (based on his 2 year PA)? Or do you want to find your own value, move forward your life, and not let your life be dictated to you?

I just quoted someone in Kitcat's thread that pointed out to her that no matter what her shortcomings as a W were, she did not deserve to be treated the way her WAH was treating her. I repeat that here and now to you Ocean. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!!!