HIgh Levels of Acceptance

[sage]

Met an old friend last night -- his name is FEAR -- not sure what was the prompt (being at school without an email from h when he got home? the conversation on my thread about it? the stress of a presentation at school?) but by the time I got home last night I was feeling scared as hell inside and walled off outside. I walked in the door bristly and unhappy and terrified -- that the lack of h's communication with me while I was at school meant "something" -- etc.

I handled the whole thing poorly -- I suck at "as if" when I'm afraid or revisiting old hurts. I was closed off, tightly smiling. H asked me what was wrong and I told him I was tired, had a long week...

finally went to bed but tossed and turned and wept for quite a while. finally went and slept on the couch.

h asked again what was up and I couldn't say "I'm afraid and sad. I'd like some reassurance from you." because that has gone over like a lead balloon too many times.

and because I didn't think that he'd GET that I wasn't crying because I thought anything was going on...but that my tears were about the overlay -- the feeling of feeling tired of feeling this way -- even occasionally.

I want a m. where going to class and making a presentation means coming home beaming and filled with stories to tell -- not slinking into the house afraid.

I know I'm the only one that can get me there.

I don't feel up to the task this AM.

So, I'm confused and I know I confused the hell out of h by not being able to tell him what was up.

Back to self-soothing and trying to push my way through.

Sage