This is Oceangrl! I'm here!

[SteveLW]

I just want to defend myself. I just want to argue my point of view. When he says something about me, especially when it's a complaint or criticism, I just feel like validating it is accepting it. And I have this need to "illuminate" where he is wrong.

That sounds like right-fighting. Would you rather be happy or right? Rarely do the two go together.

I understand what you are saying. I don't disagree. I just get confused sometimes. Can I be happy if he is blaming me all the time for his problems instead of taking accountability? That's what I've got to remember validation is not agreement. It doesn't mean I am agreeing with his point of view. This is something I am working on.

Here is where you may need to check yourself. Because a lot of us LBSs are willing to take any attention we can get from our WAS, even negative. It is a vicious cycle:

1. The LBS finally decides to work on giving time and space, and backs off.
2. The WAS feels something has changed, and is out of their control, and wants to find out what is going on, so they start a MR discussion.
3. The discussion ends up being the WAS giving their litany of reasons why they are leaving, again.
4. The LBS is thrilled that the WAS is taking an action, even thought they've heard it all before.
5. The LBS engages with the WAS too much, instead of just listening and validating, which reassures the WAS that the LBS is still attached, and in their control.
6. After the discussion the LBS starts feeling bad about themselves again because the WAS made it clear that they still intend to leave. The LBS is upset that the same complaints were voiced again. The LBS also feels guilty for not applying DB principles and vows to do better.
7. Go back up to #1.