1. I believe you are saying don't tolerate being treated poorly by your WAS. But how does that line up with allowing them to live at the house with you and have an EA/PA or speak unkindly to you? I feel like a lot of DB seems to be: let them do what they want and put up with it in case they might come back. Where am I going wrong with this?
A lot of what we talk about here is creating boundaries to protect yourself. One boundary might be that you will not allow yourself to be yelled at or spoken to in a disrespectful manner. You can still do that while living under the same roof. If he says something rude then you respond "I will not allow you to treat me with disrespect, if you continue then this conversation is over." And if he continues, you say no more, you simply leave the room or even the house. DB'ing is not at all about letting the WAS just steamroll you. It is about pulling back and giving him time and space while you focus your attention elsewhere (you, kids, hobbies, volunteering, etc.)
Originally Posted by Oceangl
2. One thing that really confuses me: If my spouse says he is done because he wanted more physical affection (not sex, just physical affection), and says that is a main love language, how does DB fit in with that? Are you saying it's too late for that? I am trying to understand the difference between meeting a need and pursuing. Would that not be a 180 or doing something different?
This can be so confusing for me!
You're not alone, many WAS's find this subject confusing. But here's the thing, these "complaints" mean something completely different after BD. Before BD if he said he wanted more PA then he meant it. He was telling you something was lacking and he wanted it fixed. After BD he does NOT want it fixed, he's merely explaining or using it as a reason or excuse to end the M. After BD these complaints are a moving target. Shower him with PA and he'll gripe that you are too clingy and need to back off. Do that and he'll gripe that you're cold and distant. The best thing to do after BD when he brings up these complaints is simply to listen and validate. "It sounds like the lack of PA was very frustrating for you, I'm sorry you felt that way." But don't give him more PA, at least not for now. That's got to wait until his position starts to soften.
