I feel very anxious today, the builder for our other house texted to say he'd be working there and I had to text him back that H is there and to delay it. Using second homes is not allowed right now so I felt anxious about having to tell him that and angry that I got stuck in the middle of all this. Angry that I have to lie to almost everyone who asks about H, angry that I have been left dangling so long. Angry that I have to sit around waiting for H to decide my future. I know this is not actually the case, but it's how I feel right now. I know I have more control in this sitch than I feel, but I still feel it.
H's rent for his other house came out of our bank account, and he is still taking cash out. Do I ask him about this? Part of me thinks just let things unfold and the other half wants to push for answers. Those answers won't be what I want will they? What if I ask him what he's doing with his other house and he says he's moving in with his mistress? He wouldn't say that till after his payout (he hasn't told me about that, he only talks about this stuff in person), and maybe he has no mistress, but the whole secrecy is driving me crazy. His car tax also came out of our account, which means he changed the registration to his other house but probably not the insurance, which means his car is probably not insured.

Anyway, enough about him. I did email the solicitor but have not heard back so I messaged him to ask. I have my new phone and my bank account set up, and the card is arriving soon. I have to ask a friend to help me move money in there as there is a cash deposit limit, but that should be ok. So I'm protecting myself as much as possible right now. And I'm applying for jobs, not great timing but there are jobs about so I might as well apply. Anyway, just spinning here, every time I feel halfway normal I'm reminded that I'm still in limbo and that H is still crazy. Yuck. I did meet up with a friend yesterday which was so so needed. Online interaction is just not the same. Once I have my finances sorted I can join an online dating website, it would be really nice to have some new people to talk to smile I've been alone for so long now, I've had enough of it. I guess right now I'm not standing. H is broken, and I have no faith that he has the courage to fix himself. In the meantime I have a life to live.