Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

WF, thanks for your long message. I need to print that out and re-read it several times a day!.

The biggest way I've been able to be strong, and not let his every move affect me is through all this crap is not necessarily though detachment. It was finding myself again. And falling in love with me again. H's love and affection doesn't validate me in any way. Of course I miss forehead kisses and hand holding. I miss being wooed. But I can buy my d@mn self flowers. I can put make up on and nice dress for me. And maybe I can't give my self those forehead kisses but I can and do something for me to make me feel loved often. I don't think it's only detachment you need to work on. I think you still have a lot your identity wrapped up in being his wife, and therefore your perceived value is wrapped up in there too. Feeling incomplete without his love returned. I think you might need to work on loving you just a little bit more.

This is so true - I am completely wrapped up in being his wife, and wanting to do a better job than I did previously, put right my worngs. I know I dont value myself enough and even though I do get up every day and try and look my best. I guess I do seek validation from outside - and I have found plenty of it from chat sites (dont ask!) but it always feels hollow, because I go back to only wanting that validation to come from H. I have this need to be validated as a woman, not just a mum, which is the identity I was trapped in for years, before realising that I wanted to be treated as a wife/lover and not just a mum. I'm really struggling to carve out an identity, other than 'mum'. I guess the goal here is to value myself as a woman , and the goal isnt about keeping my title of Mrs Pommy.

R is a super long process. Even longer than your exceptionally long limbo. It requires the patience of a saint. And the discipline of a Shaolin monk. Even if he had IC today, and decided to fall all in tomorrow then what? Are you going to immediately take all your walls downs? Hand over the keys to the house, your heart, your body and mind? He shouldn't be allowed to walk straight back into your life as if nothing happened. And you shouldn't be putting yourself out there to be hurt like that. He will need to take baby steps to reengage in the MR and with you. And you should be taking baby steps letting him back in so you aren't in a puddle on the floor every time something happens.

I thought a lot about this overnight. R actually seems very scary because it is going into the unknown. Both times that H has announced he wants to try again (once in January and again last week), I've felt overcome with fear - as in ok, we want to move forward but I've no idea how. Both times he has done a u-turn in a matter of days anyway. But it does leave me feeling uneasy about the road ahead. I dont know if that means I'm unsure about wanting to R, or whether it's because both time I've sensed thos lack of commitment from him to move forward.

I am just going to try and practice self-love as much as I can, and keep the focus on me and not spend every minute of my day feeling anxious about him! It's a hard habit to break after so long - and because he wont let me go, I find it hard to let go as well. My behaviours are still very much based on what I should be doing to get him back - should I go NC, should I remain friendly, etc - it's all still about him.