Woke up with the heart attack feeling of anxiety today. So much for having some calm. But at least my wife came home today, I know that I'm making no progress while my emotions are still tied to her. I think we can all agree that the devil you know is better than the devil you don't, at least with the way my mind runs away. Since I knew she was home I cooked dinner while she did homework or at least said she did. Know that she has her room she does everything in there. Years and years she complained about how she couldn't sit on that bed and thats why she would stay in the living room when I wanted to lay down for a little while, I have a rough back so every now and again I just need to stretch it out while I'm relaxing vs sitting.I brought it up jokingly today and she said this bed was fine its the cal king in the bedroom she cant sit in. We only got the cal king last year before that we had the queen in the bedroom for 5 years or so, whatever I guess. Later she was complaining about being tired but knowing she would have a second wind. Of course I made the mistake of trying to fix. Told her if she didn't play on her phone before sleeping when she laid down and maybe went for a walk after dinner she would be good. We fixed it that way years ago when she had a really early job and it only got messed up again in the last couple years. She got an attitude and told me not to try and fix her. After that we had a nice dinner watched a couple hours of tv and then she went to her bedroom. I'm calm now I guess no pain or anxiety. I hate everything about whats going on but there isn't any pain right now. I really don't know how much hope I have anymore, still looking for a positive outcome though. Doing my best to keep my mouth shut even though I want to talk so badly.
On another note of what feels like failure I worked up the courage to finally talk to a mutual friend of ours. I know I know clean pavement but I've been wanting to ask her about this for a long time now and It kinda helped with my perspective even if it was exactly what I thought I would hear. She and her guy had a falling out years ago, he was cheating on her and she had had enough moved back to her parents for a bit but was also quickly seeing another guy. The story it turns was more complicated than that she had been cheating first and then he started and they lived that way for a bit and then she finally decided she couldn't take it anymore and left so she could sort herself out and let him be with the other girl. He fought back for there relationship though and she started hooking up with their room mate to push him away. In the end they both decided to move past the cheating and work on each other. I had never got the full story before now, even after all these years. Me and the wife treated her guy with a lot of disrespect over the years, that he didn't really deserve it turns out, made our friendship with them very strained in fact. We trusted her decision but we were bothered by his actions. But there story made sense. I asked her since you both loved each other the whole time in your minds but simply found the needs that were missing elsewhere did you ever not feel remorse at the time for it? She said she felt bad the whole time. I guess thats the rub huh. Affairs happen all the time and lots of couples move forward but a lot probably happen as a band aid that they recognize is wrong. Not as a deep emotional disconnect like in my sitch. I wanted to know how she forgave but it wasn't that hard I'm sure. The truth is I love my wife and I forgive her right now for what happened. The problem is she doesn't believe it was a bad thing. She already didn't care about me at all. Forgiveness is easy because of how much I care, trust is the hard part. But none of those matters cause of where we are. Its so silly but I truly needed this wake up call. I would never have truly faced myself and the problems that have held me back forever without it. I wish she had just had a fling that tore her up inside because she loved me years ago because the shock would have woke me up. We would have had a long time sorting that as well but I was never ready to admit my problems before now. The words she said in anger the times she threatened to leave and I made empty promises to change knowing that I would forget them when the dust settled. More of my coping mechanisms in play if you say something to me shouting or in a fight it will almost always be forgotten. But these things didn't come up in the calm moments, the happy moments. At least not that I can remember.
I don't know what the future holds at his point at all. I do know that I want that future to include my wife but I honestly can't say I trust that it will. I don't know what that means for me. Most days I would rather just be done with all of this forever. I'm not sure if I'll really grasp this DBing well enough at all but I think that will be the plan ahead. I'm not even certain if that plan is in fact the right course but its the only one I seem to have.
