This is Oceangrl! I'm here!

[Oceangl]

Hi OG,

Here's what I think might be helpful... you don't need to defend yourself to him because who cares what he thinks? Not you. So what that he's made up this narrative, or blames his own shortcomings or indecision or whatever on you? Let it roll off your back. You know it isn't true and that is what matters. You are giving him power by caring what he thinks. Getting defensive just plays into his game.

Know your truth and don't let his nonsense push you off kilter. I'd avoid R talks but if he brings it up just listen. There are some good threads around here about validation with helpful phrases you can have ready to go, like "Wow, thanks for sharing that, I'll have to think about that" and "That must be difficult for you" etc etc. In your mind you can be rolling your eyeballs like crazy but externally you're like whatever. You aren't worth the energy to argue with.

My H also imagined we would get Ded and remain best friends. That was absolutely not going to happen and by the end I didn't argue with him about it. I was just steadfast, like nope. Not gonna happen. Period, end of story. He would throw these temper tantrums like "I must not really love him" because if I did I would want him to be happy/want to stay friends, I didn't care as much as I said I did about the kids because it would be better for the kids if we still had dinner together every night, there was something wrong with me that I could throw away his friendship like that after everything we've been through just because he (whoops!) fell in love with someone else (mmm hmmm. that was something he really said.). I just stuck to my guns and repeated over and over... I will not work on our R with a third party in the picture. I will not be friends with you if you leave. And if he saw her again without ending it we would be over.

I totally agree with Pommy-- you can't hurry his timeline. You can't make him be ready to recommit. You can probably hurry him out the door if that is your choice. You can't control anything except yourself. I think if you can focus on you, less on him, work on not letting his BS affect you, and cultivate patience like mad, you'll come to a place where either you're ready to move him along or you'll find he's gotten to a place where he can make his own decision. And either way you will be fine.

Hey, I do have a question for you that has been on my mind for some time-- what happened between when he ended his A and now? It's been a couple of years, right? Did you guys work through stuff, were things better for awhile and then got worse again?

Hang in there.

These are all really valuable insights that I needed to hear. I have been trying to get a life, but too often what I think he would want to see in the past. I am really focusing more on what it means to me. Just little shifts like this.

As far as the past...yes, it's been about 3 years. We sort of tried to work through things. It was hard because he refused to tell me who it was the first six months and after that would not stop working with her. I really don't care about her anymore and don't compare myself to her. Although, I get sad that real life cant compare with fantasy affair life.

Anyway, in the beginning I made all the mistakes. I had no help, I didn't know anything about this resource. I only found this board about two months ago. So it's frustrating, but it is what it is.

He feels like he tried hard before. He was frustrated because I didn't heal fast enough. I am a reminder of a time he doesn't want to remember.

I'm having a hard time now because i am so tired. During his two year affair he wasn't nice and she could do no wrong. And then these past few years... i have put up with being devalued for so long. Really, I've allowed it. Part of me wants him to hit the road. The other part of me that can't stand the thought of my family being split up, that values family, and also believes we could be happy doesn't know what to do.

I don't want to be Plan B. I don't want him in my life if he leaves.

I do think things were better for awhile but not fast enough or blissful enough. And of course not having this resource I pursued a lot.