HIgh Levels of Acceptance

[sage]

Morning all...
this post is likely to be even more self-indulgent than usual 'cause I'm gonna talk some more about my dreams.

I mentioned the "blue cheese" dream already. the next night I had a dream in which I was moving home with my mom and didn't seem particularly upset about it (note that this is how I KNEW it was a dream since mom and I do NOT get along and cannot live together!). I walked into the house and she was upstairs in her room. I went to see her. From downstairs someone called out to us. It turned out to be a butcher delivery person. they had two items for us (neither of which sounded like meat but also neither of which raised my eyebrows in the dream). My mother said "I think you need to get this one". I looked at her quizically and then said "OK, but I think this makes us even". I walked downstairs and handed over $42.

My younger sister was there when I got downstairs. Turned out that she was moving home too (and again, didn't seem dismayed!). She said that she hadn't told me she was moving home because she didn't want me to feel crowded. My mother called down to her..."I put the berries in the fridge".

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OK. Well, I realized (after way too much thought! Get a hobby!) that the butcher reference was actually VERY clever! In my post to PJ the other day about infidelity I said something like "My h did have some valid beefs about our m...."

So...the butcher reference is clearly referring to that...and the statement of "I think we're even now" after I make restitution is, I guess, about really feeling as though we've paid enough for what happened? TBH, I'm not sure if my "Mom" in the dream is really her (because we do have a very strained relationship for lots of reasons -- including but not limited to her own affair with a married man) or if she's supposed to be h.

Could be both, I suppose...and maybe the message is universally true for me that we've all "paid enough".

Don't have a clue about the berries and my sister!

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h and I had a date last night after his class. the place we wanted to go to was too crowded so we had pizza and beer someplace else! About halfway through dinner I sensed this bizarre shift in him...almost as though he had retreated...I felt this standoffishness...a bristley feeling...all of a sudden I felt really afraid and in need of self-protection. It was SO WEIRD! I retreated a bit internally and kind of put up an emotional force field. I was definitely perplexed!

We got home (separate cars) and h said "Did I do something to make you mad?" I said "no way" and gave him a big kiss and we were ok from then on (yah, ok, why didn't I say something about sensing that he was pulling away? partly because that kind of conversation tends to sound contolling to h, and partly because all of a sudden it occurred to me that maybe he HADN'T pulled away but that I HAD first).

Anyway...it was a good lesson for me that even a subtle shift in my mindset and attitude is totally perceptible to h AND that my feeling of FEAR gets transmitted as anger.

I dreamt last night about a FF friend of h. I'm not sure if they're still friends or not but about 5 years ago she was a big thorn in my side. We went thru a phase where I was very uncomfortable with their R -- dinner at their apartment alone, etc. I handled it poorly, came off as a jealous shrew, etc. TBH, though, I still don't entirely know if their r. had any makings of an EA. All I know is that it was a very difficult time in our m. (and there are times when it feels like a precursor to actual ow)...

anyway, I dreamt that she and my h were out and that she came over to my mom's house first (alone). I asked her if they had slept together and she said "of course. He doesn't want to have sex with you. But he always has it with me." My reaction was angry and sad, of course but I said "yah, but he always comes home to me. He doesn't really want you."

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Goodness...what the heck is up with my psyche? Three days in a row of bizarre dreams? Something's just underneath the surface!

Anyway, driving into work this AM I was dwelling on the dream and also my fear based reaction of last night. I was torquing myself up over FF#1 and OW...thinking "this is a cycle. Why can't he find the love he needs in our m. won't this happen again? can't he just love me and appreciate me and our m?"

Then -- aha moment -- how about turning that last statement into an "I" statement? Can't I just love him and appreciate him and our m?

Duh.

Love him. Appreciate him. Value him. Value our m. Stop turning over the rocks looking for bugs. Heck....sit ON the rock! It's cozy and comfortable there!

What a doofus.

Sage