I think that when the BD happened, I just naturally shut down. I was so shocked that I didn't know what to do so I did nothing.
I don't understand the food thing. If you read my sitch, you know that has bothered me so much. I will tell him what I am making for dinner, but I don't call him to dinner and I do not prepare a plate unless he is in the kitchen while plates are being prepared. Sometimes he is very receptive and other times not. For example, I had planned to have a certain dinner on Sunday (MY MOTHER'S DAY) he asked if we could get a pizza, I told him he could go and I would eat it. He said "Send D24" I told him no, as I already had plans to have something else and I was not going to change up everything for him. He got so mad, like a kid havbing a tantrum, microwaved something and went the other way to his isolation room. Guess what he brought home today, two LARGE pizzas. Hmm.
Finding out about OW was surreal. He was so stupid to post on his Facebook, when he was out of the country. One of the reactions was a heart emoji. I clicked to her profile and there he was, professing his love for her! I consider myself pretty smart and inquisitive. He knows I find stuff out. He was so in the throws of this forbidden love, he was over confident. At the time of finding out about her, he had just left for a few months for work. Somewhere, within me I knew it would not matter if I said anything. So I didn't. I just continued to get used to the new normal. I was recovering from surgery and as soon as I got the go ahead, I joined a gym and made some great new friends. By the time he returned, we had only texted once or twice. I know that he was unhappy, I didn't know what was happening, though.
I have not discussed my MR with our D24. I know that she has to know something is going on. But bless her heart, she does not ask. No one knows (besides what she might suspect) except my therapist. He may have told his friends, but what is he going to say. I nagged him into a MLC? I was the same as you, he worked so hard, I did everything, I suggested he see his friends, I carted the D24 everywhere. I planned vacations, he just had to show up. I felt that I was doing everything to please him and make his life easier. Instead, I got a damaged man, who my Therapist thinks that was raised by a narcissist father. It has been tough, but I do have hope. That's all I will allow myself.
I look back on this year and I do see some subtle changes. But I know that he is not even one step closer to an R. I need to temper my enthusiasm. I am happy that he did not leave, he never mentioned Divorce, just "he didn't want to be married anymore". In discussion with IC, she does not think he even knows what he wants to do .
Speaking of IC, I already had her for having panic attacks. They were gone and have stayed gone. I honestly think learning how to navigate a panic attack helped me with no response on the BD. I just would see her monthly as an hour for me. Once I had the BD, and I was crying to her about everything that had happened, she was the one who suggested MLC. I always thought that was an urban legend.
I by no means, am a veteran of this, but staying calm, using my home (whereas he basically lives in a bedroom) to the fullest, cooking what I want, watching what I want, bed when I want. I laugh when something is funny. I act like it all is fine, because I am fine! He is the mess and I can't let it affect me. If I did, can you imagine how I would be a year later? horrible. Funny story- Firday he went for a walk with the guys, while he was gone my friend from the gym facetimed me, we were chatting and he came home. Without missing a beat i held up the phone and said, " say hi to ____" he was so taken aback he leaned in and said hi. I died. I did a couple more things the other day to make hime respond like when we were married, I think in some sub concious way I am reminding him we are a family here.
Anyway, I hope you stand if that is what you want. Focus on you and you will do great.
