I have an uncomfortable question for you. Are you 1000% sure that the AP is in the rearview mirror and he has not had any contact with her? My H sounded a LOT like your H and has throughout all of this. And I thought for a long, long time that it was a long-distance EA only. I don't think we'd be where we are right now unless everything had come out on the table and he dropped his "I just want the chance to be happy, I don't even know if we D-ed that I'd end up with her" to finally understanding the depth of what was happening.
And frankly, that information is what it took for me to finally say whatever, I'm done, call the D lawyer and start meaningfully planning for a life without him, which freaked him the F out and was the beginning of his backtracking and the six weeks of h3llish limbo when he was trying to decide what to do.
Anyway. I know you've said before that she's out of the picture, and it is more the idea of another person or relationship that is what is happening in his head. And you may be right. And/or, he may not actually be in touch with her but he's holding on to her as a possibility. But what I don't understand is if there isn't someone else in the picture, what has he got to lose by actually trying to work on his M with you? To go all in and give it six months or whatever of hard work? So what if you guys end up getting Ded anyway a year from now-- that just seems so inconsequential compared to really, truly, 100% knowing you're doing the right thing in getting Ded and breaking up a family.
I so clearly remember the night my H said to me for the hundredth time, this isn't about her. It is about you and me. And I was like BS-- if it wasn't about her, then why wouldn't you TRY? What have you got to lose? And he looked at me and said, fair. I was stunned as I expected him to keep on his same old horse. The truth was that he was scared. He thought he'd found with her what he felt was missing between us, and that we could never get it back again. If he ended his A with her he might never find it again and he was doomed to either a passionless M to me or a sad, lonely life as a divorced 40 something if I ended up not being able to forgive him. And, he HAD to think that rekindling the spark was impossible with me in order to justify in his own head his behavior over the past two years. My H is still working through all of this and unable to really face it.
I'm not advocating for you asking him at this point or anything... just that it worries me. I don't get his logic. (Not that any of this is logical.) If he decides to recommit to the M and work on his R with you, the worst that can happen is you both give it your best shot and it doesn't work, but you both can look each other in the eyes and know you tried. (His scenario here is he hurts you worse than he already did? I don't buy that.) Whereas if he walks away now without ever having really tried and given your M a fair shot, trying to get the romance back or whatever-- to me, that would be unforgivable. He has this storyline stuck in his head that he CAN'T regain for you what is gone. And for my H, that was 100% true when AP was in the picture. It has only been since she was completely out and a good amount of time passed, with him truly letting her go in his mind, that the romance is starting to peek its way back into our R.
My advice is generally the same as WF's-- detach, focus on you, stop worrying about what he is thinking or doing. And patience, patience, patience. He needs to figure this $hit out on his own. You can't do it for him. You can only control your own behavior. As best you can, just LET IT GO, let him go, repeat over and over that you can't control him, you only control you. So how do you be the best Pommy you can be in this situation? How do you show up for your kids and yourself? Focus on those things and let him stew in his sad little rental and figure out what he wants. If it takes too long, you just might decide you're better off without him anyway.
(((POMMY)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
