HIgh Levels of Acceptance

[mockers2]

Second time to try to post this!
Sage - just a few thoughts about the "why did this happen?" train of thought. I had read that it was important to really nail down why the affair occurred. This is something I resisted doing, out of fear of bringing up all that pain. Here are two quotes from the witty, wise and wonderful Ellie and JJ that have really helped me refocus and spend less energy on wondering and agonizing over why:

You are making the pretty big ASSumption that he KNOWS why he did it! LOL!!!

Maybe a better tack to take is simply to start talking about what directions you both would like your new R to be going. You know the answer to why the affair started - because isn't it the same for almost every spouse here? He got depressed and/or freaked out about growing older, the OP was available (and/or scheming and manipulative), and the WAS was feeling unloved and unappreciated at home. The excitement of the affair gave them a dopamine rush that temporarily relieved their depression or anxiety and they mistook it for love. Same old same old story - you'd THINK people would be more imaginative, wouldn't you???

Ellie

And

I'm in agreement with kml here. Sometimes, rehashing the past "stuff", the reasons "why", keeps the thoughts and memories of the A alive. We want that bugger dead, cremated, and ashes scattered to the wind!

It's usually much better to move forward, and keep doing the "what works" to keep things going in the right direction, so it doesn't happen again. Communication is key, so that you are BOTH able to ask for what you want.

I, too, don't want to know all the details. I know more than I want to already.

Also, as kml says too, it would be the same old same old story. He's probably not even sure exactly why! It's rarely ever any one big thing.

I think that it was in the KLA tapes where Michele quoted someone as saying, "If you don't have an affair with your partner, someone else will". Concentrate on having an affair with him, and eventually the thoughts of the "why's" will become clearer, and less important, to you.

JMHO!!

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JJ

Also wanted to say that from here your M looks absolutely wonderfully alive and thriving. You and your H are working so hard, and reaping the benefits. Congratulations, and thank you for offering such teriffic inspiration.

I know that you are in high demand, both here on the bb, and in your life. If you get a chance, I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on my thread. I am feelig stuck, to borrow one of your terms....

Thank you again ~ M