He told him on our last session in a kind way that he was placing too much responsibility for his own happiness on our marriage. He also worked with him to help him understand that so much of this is from his childhood. His parents showed no emotions and no comfort. They had a terrible marriage. And so my H has a hard time with emotions. He tends to withdraw completely. And has blamed this on me and the marriage. We had a good session, my H just still feels like divorce is the best option. He feels like we don't do a good job of taking care of each other while married, so we can be there for each other and be close and great friends divorced.
I am reading this as, "I want everything I love about this relationship and be able to date other people also." I think he is trying to figure out a way to "have it all." I have told him that does not work for me. If we divorce I dont want to hang out with him. He got angry and said fine if you feel like you need to do that and punish. I told him not to minimize my experience. While it would be easy for him to walk away, he needs to respect the fact that for me it would be a death, and something to grieve and heal from. Before I would have tried to do it his way to please him.
He does this thing where he hugs me and spends time with me. Then the next day avoids me. I feel this underlying anger at the way he is treating me and his emotional neglect.
I am getting to the point where I am going to tell him i do not want a divorce, but I do not want to be a roommate. I want to tell him he can choose to be my husband or move on with his life. I am getting weary of this situation.
OG, it pains me so much to read this. You are still so much in limbo and I know how much that s*cks. Your H seems to be in the same place as mine - sat on the fence and not able to decide which way to jump. My H is still saying he loves me and finds it hard to imagine a life without me, but something is missing. That missing piece is on the other side of the fence. So he wants a bit from each side but knows he cant so just stays paralysed on the fence, unable to make a decision. H moved out to try and clear his head and work out which side he wanted to jump. He still cant decide, and last week after the debacle of telling me he wanted to come back home only to back track a few days later, I finally spelled it out to him that he cannot have it all. That whatever side of the fence he chooses he will lose something he wants. And he just kept saying "you're right".
But the thing is, you cant hurry them to make a decision, you cant hurry him to recomit to the marriage if he's not there yet. But you could probably hurry him into leaving - you just need to be really sure that is what is best for you. Sending you hugs - I know how awful and painful this is xx
Lots of good points. It really is crazy-making. How long can we deal with the ripple effects of their cake-eating fence-sitting? I guess that's what I am trying to figure out. I am determined like never before to focus on myself and honoring myself.
When I feel that pain of rejection, etc, I remind myself that that is dependency. What am i dependent on him for? Happiness? The source of my happiness has to be me. Or else I am not much different from him.
My word I have been using lately in my head is "transformation." I am transforming myself.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
