I waited a day. I decided I needed to reset a boundary. This is why- At BD2-2/20- H responded to my insane, rant text (seemed mild in my gf minds)which I called him a liar(true), cheater(true), that he disrespected me (true) and a coward (I believe true), I did not swear or say anything about OW. with ‘I will not let you besmirch my character, stop harassing me, I will only communicate with you via email from now on’. (Who even uses the word ‘besmirch’?)
I had 0 desire to ever speak to him again. So no problem. But. Geez. I send one text in months ranting about him being an adulterer and I’m ‘harassing him’. ‘I’m besmirching his character’ when it was all true. How dare he treat me like I did something wrong. Now I can laugh at how ridiculous and panicked he was. And not take it personally. But at the time... My natural inclination was to ‘turn my back on him’ and went NC. Dropped the rope, per se. Found out about MLC. Eye opening. Started fine tuning my position. Anyways. 45 days after BD2, our super close family friend had a serious accident. I stared at my phone forever. Than decided I was doing the decent, human thing to let H know. I defiantly did it as a text. H answered immediately via text. The next day our friend died. I send H text. H immediately called my phone -the first time in 9+? Months. I answered. We talked only about friend. I hung up first, etc. The last 45 days we have text some. He reaches out every time. I answer with minimal words, making him wait for a reply, etc. H is super gracious and accommodating toward me. I likey.
So. Current sitch. We sell our lake house. On a 3 way call with realtor to sign papers via computer. Call ends. My phone rings. It’s H. 2nd time he’s called in 11 months. H immediately starts talking financial things not relevant to meeting we just had, almost manically-doesn’t even greet me, just starts talking. i used my LBS skills, H monsters, I end the call. Within minutes H apologizes via text.
I chose to answer H apology text because I decided I needed to reset a boundary. I put at the beginning of text that the tone should read pragmatic. I said-(summation) please refrain from calling me unless it’s a family emergency. If you want to discuss financial things in the future let me know via text and email and we can schedule a time. The things you said to me were untrue and hurtful. Thank you for apologizing. I hope you can do some inner work to learn why you feel the need to rewrite our history and who I am as a person.
I boundary reset because I didn’t like H thinking he can easily call me when he wanted and I will fall in line. I felt H got comfortable and he thought he could control me again. I didn’t like it. I wanted him back to the overly gracious and walking on eggshells H that wonders if I’m gone for good. He crossed my boundary and I pushed him back. He.did.not.like.it. He text back. I could feel him ramping up by his number of text bubbles. He sends them like bullets. Hello Jekyll. I left him alone.
BD2 changed me. I lost the need to lash out angrily and be reactive to him. I consider that change a gift in all this ugly. A few things he text did hit me emotionally, but dissipated in a short time. He isn’t cruel or mean. Just self centered and entitled and knows it all. Can’t comprehend, listen or reason. His way or highway. And so paranoid. Rewrites history to rationalize his wrongness.
H normal personality is not motivated by money. He never needed material objects, toys etc. We started with nothing and H is now very successful. Ironically. I insisted he buy himself an expensive, sporty car when his car needed to be replaced. He wouldn’t. So I picked it out. Now gold digger OW is spinning around in it. I sabotaged my own life.
H has always said and says over and over that He will never screw me financially. H dad did that to his mom and he wants to be able to look his kids in the eye. (H words) You know. The dad my H believes is a saint all while he’s saying his dad screwed his mom financially. The dad who’s history H Is repeating. Dad abandon H, H abandons S26 from age 16-18 (which H had admitted to doing), Dad leaves Mom at 40, H leaves me at 50 (after ilybinilwy H admits He’s following dads history) Soooooooo. H says he will never screw me financially, but Dads history says that he will. And yesterday on the phone call I could hear that hungry, abandoned 11 year old boy whining when H said he wanted to make sure I’m ok financially. Believe nothing they say and half of what they do. I’ve protected myself financially as best as I can without a divorce. My lawyer and financial planner know what should be there. But what I’ve read is ‘good luck getting it back once it’s gone-court costs will drown you’’ So. I’m keeping a very close eye on things. OW is not cheap and his spending is insane. Red flags were flying while he monstered yesterday. I feel he’s rationalizing screwing me financially. Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!
I am a chaos kid. So I am capable of being confrontational and can stand up for myself if I need to. What I struggle with is discerning the appropriate response at the appropriate time. I panic because I don’t want to set him back in his journey or let him think he can cake eat. Words of affirmation is H love language but I can’t stomach giving him those after OW. So in every situation, I try to find a way to give him what he needs to move through this without vomiting all over myself or messing up.
