I'm giving you a little tough love right now so buckle up. You will never be able to detach 100% ever you love him. It just doesn't work that way. He will always have some pull on you. But the point is, like Steve85 would say he can have an orgy with a dozen women, and you'd be like, oh ok. Not that it doesn't hurt. Not that you don't want to scream. But that you won't. And that you know that there's no point in losing it over him being a disappointment for the 1 billionth time. It just isn't worth your time, your energy or your sanity to spiral over his BS yet again. The point of detachment is to protect yourself. Not to be stronger. Not to appear as if you careless. To protect your heart and your mind in this process. The biggest way I've been able to be strong, and not let his every move affect me is through all this crap is not necessarily though detachment. It was finding myself again. And falling in love with me again. H's love and affection doesn't validate me in any way. Of course I miss forehead kisses and hand holding. I miss being wooed. But I can buy my d@mn self flowers. I can put make up on and nice dress for me. And maybe I can't give my self those forehead kisses but I can and do something for me to make me feel loved often. I don't think it's only detachment you need to work on. I think you still have a lot your identity wrapped up in being his wife, and therefore your perceived value is wrapped up in there too. Feeling incomplete without his love returned. I think you might need to work on loving you just a little bit more.
R is a super long process. Even longer than your exceptionally long limbo. It requires the patience of a saint. And the discipline of a Shaolin monk. Even if he had IC today, and decided to fall all in tomorrow then what? Are you going to immediately take all your walls downs? Hand over the keys to the house, your heart, your body and mind? He shouldn't be allowed to walk straight back into your life as if nothing happened. And you shouldn't be putting yourself out there to be hurt like that. He will need to take baby steps to reengage in the MR and with you. And you should be taking baby steps letting him back in so you aren't in a puddle on the floor every time something happens. Because starting fresh or mending your marriage, what have you, is a rough road. Horrible thing are said. Fights happen. People walk away from each other for an uncomfortable amount of time. It's not sunshine and rainbows and we've got nowhere to go but up from here. While things can be sweet, and fun, and fresh, you're trying to put your MR back together, there are going to be bumps and bruises. You have to be prepared for that.
Last is time. I know you've been at this an incredibly long time. And you're just absolutely tired of waiting patiently for him to p*** or get off the pot. But urgency on his end is bad. The person making the long series of bad decisions shouldn't be rushed to make one. Nor should you be pushing your agenda on him. They say LBS's have the gift of time for a reason. While H is struggle to decide what it is he wants to do exactly it gives you the time to grow, and process, and come to your own conclusions about what you need and want. And honestly I think time is a gift for you here. You are being handed more time to work on you, to figure things out for yourself, and to process what is coming. Take the gift, as hard as it maybe.
