I have been meaning to share more, so thanks for the prompt. Things have been calm and cordial. She has continued to work from her office, which has given us a good amount of space during the day. Because of the quarantine, we have been together in our apartment every day after work and all weekend. Her love language is quality time, so I have made it a point to actively listen and validate as much as possible when she comes home to vent about her day. She has a very stressful job and is a big venter, so this is where most of my efforts have been with her the last few days. Other than that, it has been a lot of just watching Netflix together. I signed my new lease yesterday (she had already signed hers) and we move out and officially separate in five weeks. I know this isn't totally in accordance with the rules, but I was coached to and have been trying to be as good a friend as possible right now. And I do want to maintain friendship even if it doesn't work out. Still doing things for her like cooking and making coffee, etc. and being as positive as possible. I have also ditched the sweats (quarantine wear) a few times within the past week and she commented, "why are you wearing jeans and a button up ?" - she is big on appearances and presenting as best as possible. While I have good style, I have gotten pretty complacent around her and especially at home, and I need to up the attraction. Ultimately though, I know my goal is not to just be her friend - I need to be her husband, lover, and partner. But my coach (and Gottman) says friendship is the root of that and that's where I need to start.
There have been two R talks within the past week. One she initiated and one I did asking if she would consider just separating instead of divorce (I know, I know). My Catch-22 is that I know I need to avoid R talks, but historically she has complained that I never bring up the big issues that we need to discuss, and that she always does and it feels burdensome to her. During both conversations, she echoed a lot of the same points she has historically made - different personalities, are we even capable of meeting each other's needs, we haven't ever been in a place where we've totally met each other's needs, we shouldn't just stay out of fear of the unknown when we both deserve to be happy, have we grown apart so much that we don't even have the same values anymore. I did a lot of validation and kept calm the entire time instead of resisting or trying to logically argue with her (we are both lawyers by trade so it's hard not to). I did own up to the fact that my actions would've have doomed almost any relationship, differing personalities or not, and that I have a lot I need to work on to be better as a husband and partner going forward. I do intend to make these changes regardless of whether we stay together or not. I do need to be better about honesty, integrity, and coming to joint agreements rather than making my own decisions without consulting her. I also tried to say that some of our issues have been due to not learning the proper skills, which she didn't necessarily agree with. She doesn't have a lot of successful marriages in her family. During the second conversation, I ended it by asking if she would consider a 3-6 month separation so I could demonstrate behavioral changes instead of filing for divorce right away. I didn't wait for an answer but instead ended the conversation by saying, "I will support and accept whatever decision you do decide to make."
Along the Catch-22 line - she brought up needing to decide how we are going to disclose our situation to people. I said I needed time to think about it. I want to bring it back up as a way of demonstrating I am capable of bringing up issues we need to deal with together. Anyone have any ideas here? Because we work in the same field/building, we have a lot of acquaintances and once one person finds out, the gossip will spread like wildfire. She is a more private person, but also very much values honesty and would not want to lie to anyone about us not being together.
We do have a therapist, but have been doing solo sessions only. I know this needs to be the status quo for now. I'm guessing she will discuss with the therapist this weekend (her next solo session) the possibility of just separating for now rather than moving forward with the divorce. My read is that she is open to it but still considering just divorce. She has continued to be somewhat warm around me, although she is not showing anymore sadness around me - her default is to not show emotions and be a robot. Her job is also very consuming and I'm sure that's where most of her focus is right now. There hasn't been any touch and I have not forced it.
Over the weekend, I did get tested once. One of our issues has been us not being able to do collaborative things together. She can be very controlling and I tend to resist. It's why we used to cook together a lot and now do separately. Usually she makes breakfast and I make dinner. I made breakfast because she slept in, and while I was making it, I asked her for advice on a part of the recipe. She got triggered - like a why do you need my help reaction - but I kept my cool and made it seem like I was genuinely interested in what she had to say. She also threw in a "you're gonna need to learn how to do this when you're on your own." My instinct at this point was to beg and plead, but I resisted with all my might.
As a small silver lining, and I don't want to read to much into this, but for a long time her phone background has been a picture of us during our wedding day. A couple months ago, when the tension between us got really intense, she changed it and I did the same soon after. Yesterday, I noticed she had changed it back to the wedding picture. I know it's not anything game changing but it's a small piece of hope. There have also been a couple days where I have been out spending time with family or friends and she has gotten home after me, and she has asked where I have been.
Today, I am feeling very conflicted. Yes, I do want to fight for this. I know I still want to be married to her. But I'm already feeling weary. Weary from how much work still needs to be done. Weary from how long this will all take. Weary from all the reading I have been doing and videos I have been watching. Weary knowing I am the only one fighting right now. And weary knowing the easy route would be to just give up, live my own life, and start fresh with someone new.
