I saw a book on Amazon today - haven’t read it - but it looked like it might be a good read for you. It was titled How to Kill a Narcissist. About recovering from narcissistic abuse.
My father was a narcissist. I always saw H as the complete opposite as my father but with some distance I'm seeing the similarities. My support leader thinks H is a covert narcissist which does fit. He is 100% a dismissive avoidant and there is some overlap between a covert N and a DA. Regardless both will make you mentally ill in the end. Despite being devastated at BD I did improve with him gone. It was a short lived reprieve and now the pain is back. I've read this is normal when recovering from a trauma bond. I'm adding that book to my reading list now. Thank you so much for the recommendation.
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As for OW bring like you - well, you can rest assured your marriage didn’t break up because you weren’t his “type”. Also he’s already making OW feel desperate too. So stop imagining his life is a bowl of cherries - it’s not. Also stop imagining this was your fault - it’s not.
Dismissive avoidants can't function without supply and their targets all have an anxious attachment style. This is their type and it's what S19 is seeing. The honeymoon period with him will be fantastic but once that ends her anxiety will be activated. He's on a pedestal by now and she worships him. You'd think having this much devotion would make him happy but nope. Without non stop reassurance she will get angry A LOT and well that's not fun. No matter how much she tries to stuff it or medicate it (been there done that) it's still there and it will make appearances. On the milder side it's arguments on the extreme it's full on bunny boiler. He will experience both.
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Focus on creating a happy, adventurous life. Listen to the kids but don’t badmouth your ex to them. And don’t make it about you.
You got this. Fake it til you make it. You’re smart and creative and you’re going to make a cool new life for yourself.
If I can get over him and get a decent settlement I think I'll be okay. I worry a lot about my future though. I haven't seen my mother in 20 years and I ended up renting a house 4 doors down from her. She appears to be a recluse but I saw her out yesterday. She's lost a lot of weight, walks slow, hunched over and she's only 74. Keep in mind I will have to work until I'm 75 so that image scared the you know what out of me. D17 and S19 said "yes but she's a miserable person and it's aged her". Okay so maybe that's true. My sister is 50 and my kids say she looks 60. I'm 54 and no one believes me. A few strands of gray hair and no wrinkles. My kids say my face looks younger now because I'm not as stressed as I was with H. Yeah he's getting to me but it was worse when I lived with him. This makes no sense does it??
