Saturday night H text D27, S30, S26 and I in a group text that his 80 yr aunt had covid -was in hospital and it didn’t look good. We were very close to her. She is H godmother and H dads sister. She was more mom to H and mom-in-law to me, grandma to our kids than H own malignant narcissist mother. I knew this was going to knock him on his MLC butt.
I text him privately how sorry and sad I was. He replied thank you. (His text to me are usually wordy) The next day we were told she improved and she could go back to her assisted living facility. I text via same group text that this news was the best mother’s day gift I could ask for. And I was going to drop flowers, candy and a card off at nursing home for her. I would make it from the whole family. H immediately text thank you and than on our private feed wished me a happy mother’s day and thanked me for our beautiful children and everything I did to make them what they are today. Huh....Hasn’t wished me a happy mother’s day or birthday or holiday since he left 1.5 years ago.
Today we signed paperwork for sale of lake home via computer. H and realtor on 3 way call. After the call ended H called my phone. I should not have answered.
He jumped right into talking finances. And the next steps in the divorce process. Inferring something about me wanting it done soon. (?) I corrected him that I never said i wanted it to be done soon. And reminded him I never wanted the divorce. He seemed confused.
He wanted to know if I met with my personal financial guy. This meeting would have no affect on him or D in any way. So I didn’t answer. He pushed. I said as polite as possible that that info. doesn’t concern him. He started to whine (yes. A once mature, professional man whined like a child) about how concerned he was about me being financially ok and if I was figuring that out. (Like i was 2 yrs old and would not have thought to do that. I’ve always been the financially responsible one in our relationship)
I live in our home. Was a S.A.H.M. and don’t have a job. H asks me how I’ve been paying my bills for the last year and a half. (?!!) (What?! -like. I don’t know how he thinks I could be doing that or why I would be secretive about it) He couldn’t see in our shared checking where I’ve been paying my bills. I calmly told him I paid my card (a credit card I got the day he left) off on the 10th every month from our shared checking.
He also couldn’t remember some really key financial things. His comprehension was nonexistent. He’s a mess. I stayed calm and emotionless.
He than said a few major financial things i was not in agreement with. When I disagreed and corrected him, he lost his s#$t. Raised his voice. He talked over me. He said things he has never said to me before.(rewrote history) Awful things. (Monstering?) I calmly, my voice cracking with emotion (I tried so hard to eliminate the emotion. Ugh) told him that what he said was untrue, unfair and hurtful. While I agreed our divorce will serve us both if it’s amenable, after this new revelation, his words and behavior, I suggested he hire a lawyer and expect high legal fees because it no longer will be. Said goodbye and hung up first.
It was awful. It shreds you. The Jekyll and Hyde.
Within minutes (he was now in a work meeting) of me ending the call he sent a 7 inch text message backtracking on the horrible things he said, telling me how wonderful I am, doesn’t want this process (never uses the word divorce) to be contentious and apologizes for his role in our conversation going sideways. I haven’t answered back.
I’m so tired of my bipolar life. Within an hour I was extremely happy about selling the house and than really sad with my H behavior. Mother’s Day was huge ups and huge downs too.
I get why people stop standing. I’ve got my new normal that’s feeling comfortable and safe. Than H enters and rocks my sanity boat.
So many triggers that don’t go away because I choose to detach.
Should I respond to his apology?
Last edited by job; 05/12/2001:08 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading
