I suspect that people who don’t know you very well see you as a very put together person.
I'm more put together now than I was with H. Weird right?
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Is this a part of the past issues from your early years?
I've been in and out of IC for 20 years due to childhood trauma. By the time I figured out H wasn't good for me I had little kids that I wouldn't leave.
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I actually happen to totally agree with what Ginger said because it seems like if you aren’t focusing on H, you are ok, but if you let your mind run away with you, your mood tanks quickly when you perceive he is happier, better off, etc.
So he did what I wouldn't do. Leave. You'd think this would solve all my problems but sadly that's not how this works. I knew even I had been the one to leave I'd have to feel the pain that I've been running from my entire adult life. The pain is intensified when yes I perceive he is happier and better off.
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I think you have the ability to be a strong, independent woman just working and raising her kids, but I don’t get the sense you believe that, which is why you’re so concerned with what H has and is or isn’t doing.
You are correct I don't believe this and this goes back to childhood wounds as well. I keep looking for quick fixes out of this mess (and I fighting back tears as I type this) there isn't one. I went 100% no contact 9 months ago for ME. He wanted me gone but would text just enough to keep me hooked. He had to go. If I had it my way he'd move 1,000 miles away and I'd know absolutely nothing about him.
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And, I know I made this suggestion before, but I’ll make it again. Don’t engage your kids in discussions about him. They are all old enough to have their own relationships with him that are completely independent of you (or NOT have relationships if they choose not to).. If he upsets one of them, listen and validate, but try not to internalize it. Focus on changing how you respond and see if that doesn’t help your spiraling.
Engaging them in discussions brings me intense pain. I don't want to talk about him at all. As far as I'm concerned he's dead to me but we share kids so for now I'm stuck hearing about him and it hurts. A LOT. Then I spiral.
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Your kids have you and they love you, so just love and support them. I fully realize it is nearly impossible to keep the kids from talking about H but maybe just try to keep it to the bare minimum. Maybe I missed something and I’ll admit, I didn’t go way back in your threads before you came here, but I’m not sure why the dinner thing was such a big deal. Your son went and you assumed he’d eat dinner there because of time, but he didn’t. So when he gets home and hasn’t eaten, fix him a sandwich and roll on. I’m sure I’m missing something that makes it more than that but from this outside perspective it really is that simple.
Do I just tell them that I don't want to hear about him? Let them vent when he hurts them but other than that stay out of it? Neutral? Change the subject? Leave the room? Self preservation? That's it isn't it?
We'd just moved and our cable went out. I told S19 that the modem was in H's name and he needed to remove it from his account. I was full on ready to run to best buy to avoid dealing with H but S19 was trying to save me money. H is a complete idiot and kept insisting that the cable was in HIS name. No just the modem. Texting wasn't working so H called S19 and I ran to my room to avoid hearing H's voice. H, being the idiot that he is still couldn't comprehend English and I felt trapped by both of them. I'm 5 months from BD (not doing well at all) so I grabbed my car keys and ran to walmart. S19 and probably H got the hint. Go away.
On dinner. A few months back S19 made last minute dinner plans with H and I was livid. Blasted S19 before gathering all the facts. S19 didn't do anything wrong it was all H. Yesterday S19 said he didn't eat with H to avoid a repeat of that night. Making him food wasn't the issue it was me feeling bad.
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You are NOT a bad mother so you really need to work to get that out of your head.
Part of why H wasn't good for me is that he convinced me I was a bad mother. Right now he's waiting for me to fail so the kids will want to live with him. He's completely delusional I get it but his words are still embedded in my brain.
